representing different times and moods

Saturday, July 8, 2017

What is sorrow


It is the inability to,
Put in words.
Words with which,
I could describe.
How much it hurts,
To be with but without you.

Sorrow happens when,
I dream of us.
With longing for us,
As we were.
It is a physical pain,
Debilitating, instantaneous, dangerous.
It's as if I'm bleeding,
But you ,the world, can't see it.

Helpless, as I am here,
The sun is shining.
The world is fine,
But I am clutching my heart.
Trying to relieve some pain.

I seem selfish,
Bent on getting my way,
I am just trying to stop hurting.
Stop the yearnings and longings,
But only you can, and I am not you.
While you may call me silly,
Ignore , say you don't care.

You only make me yearn more.
Now for your touch, your care, your respect.
If someone is hurting, you can't decide they're not.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Avian Aspirations

After being on an intense, hormone fueled rampage that brought out everything that bothered me to the obvious dissatisfied forefront, needing to be dealt with now, I boarded the flight to Malaysia with a heavy heart and a throbbing head. Utter exhaustion was mine even before the journey started. Well, true travelers rest while they travel.
Hormones only makes one utter things that otherwise keep lurking under the surface. I suppose this brain fever has one use, to bring about the conversations that if not had and dealt with would spread like poison inside, a cancer, becoming too powerful. I would always choose discomfort and pain in the moment of facing the truth rather than a slow demise of something wonderfully magical. It’s worth the efforts, it’s worth it all.
Leaving the arms of my lover and going across that band from where I cannot see his dear face, which was the hardest part. The knowledge of his exhaustion as well with the emotional onslaught we were/ are going through just makes my pride in him shine more. We will endure, and learn and keep loving better and giving more.
This is about impressions of airports, cities and people. The sky of Kuala Lumpur entered my sleep blurred vision like a teeming sack of fires. The lights kept going out after flickering for a while and I could only liken it to bonfires lit on farmlands. Definitely not what I had imagined that sky to look like. My fancy had taken me there long before with the impressive swooping glimpses of the lightest Petronas towers and a city that was a floor of diamonds. This was however, different. Not any less interesting, just different.
The only comment to be made of KL airport is that they need to make sure that their charging ports actually work,, that there are some sleeping lounges and that their female staff don’t merely push another female traveler aside , gently of course, but use words to display that intention.
I have to say that on this flight, somehow, I have been attracting attention. Suspicious one that is. Always get the interested / attracted one, but this is rather new. Maybe I looked too carefree, the “I don’t care anymore” attitude that I have been carrying around in my soul may seem a bit destructive. Even in India, three times people actually just stopped me to ask to see my passport, not sure if I look like a confused combination of nationalities as well. Had to open my bag for inspection as the security wondered why I had copious amounts of vegetables in my hand luggage too. But all fun and games, all in all, to relieve the tedium of a 24 hour + long journey dotted with airport stays. However, my aimless wanderings up and down the Chennai airport strip did make a few security guards ask me what was up, they directed me towards food, where to rest and one also gave me his phone to make a much needed phone call home when my roaming failed to activate. It still hasn’t, it won’t.

 My first glimpse of my country was different this time around, as the golden hazed , mystical sky let go of our wonder of an aviation machine ( I half expected to see some phoenixes or golden unicorns) as the sun rose high above the cloud line, and there was a moment where the plane hung, between the blanket of the clouds and the atmosphere below, the shards of pristine light filtering through, the sun seeming like it was almost level with me, or I was almost with the sun…and the land below unfolded.
I was sitting there wondering at how we have actually managed to fly. How absolutely amazing the realization is, when you pause to really think about it, and feel that sensation, let your little brain grasp the enormity of that fact. See if you don’t get goosebumps.

Temple near the Chennai airport


Think we can’t overcome other things?
Saying a teary farewell to the Australian shore had been raw and emotional, even though I shall see it again soon. The blue coasting stretched under me as the city just rose and was left behind, before that I could trace the path of the rivers, find the roofs of my old university, that Jetty where I’ve walked hand in hand with my lover, and then, to my delighted surprise ,I saw the place where we first met, laid out on the ocean like a blooming flower , and then it wasn’t hard for me to follow the path of the coast to find the area where we always go to try and make the dog swim.
They are now my life, of this I am certain. 
As I was mentioning, the shore of my motherland, was as dramatic as you would expect such a great country to be. Laid out in a great patchwork pattern were one of the world’s most fertile plains, which feed more than a billion peoples. Each village distinctively traceable with their own patch of land, worked by its people diligently. Connected by pounded dirt roads that snaked around. Watching how the land lay by air is indeed a pleasure.  I could find the national highway that I have been driven on before to get to Chennai on a study trip as an architecture grad and saw how the dirt routes connected to it, a way I didn’t expect. The farmlands were bordered with coconut palms and little cars raced on the big six lane tarmac highway.
There were water bodies and giant homes, sheds and modernist apartment blocks. Lush green that is so rare on the Perth horizon. Indeed, in fertility, this land doesn’t disappoint. Anything that touches it comes to life.
There were some mines, I believe, with winding dirt roads going inside the bowels of the earth, and large craters and cliffs, where I could see the shades of the red and brown loam. Amazing geological formations that I wouldn’t have fully grasped the full configuration of on foot. Things of beauty and awe.
The city started slowly, and then become full all of a sudden. Little match box homes flanked on the sides with coconut palms, this was the real Chennai. Little roads that snaked in and out, making streets that were alive with activity early in the waking city. Homes were painted in flamboyant colours. I actually saw one house that was sun-ray yellow. That is the only colour that I could honestly describe it with. Sunshine. There were hues of blues and greens, ocher and pink. No Grey and white here.
I found the airport staff a lot more polite here than Malaysia. I didn’t think that possible but it is true.  They are actually much friendlier and nicer, even if they do not have supposed western refinement of manners of saying “thanks” a lot and yes, in India, people will cut queues and it is rather frustrating. The idea of letting others go first is actually faster has a lot of time to wait before it gets accepted.
How is it that the delayed announcements in airports never really sound sorry, even though they vehemently declare their regrets? (Applies to public transport too?)

Now I await the final leg of my journey, rather impatiently to be quite honest. Since the morning phone call that I made to my mother from a kindly security officer’s phone, there had been no other contact and I cannot wait to be in their arms. And to talk to my lover too who hopefully has been contacted by my mother.
 I shall go and pace impatiently or read my regency romance a bit more, they’re about to make love. :P
My face was lit with a constant smile a whole half hour before the plane landed. I then forgot that I was actually on a domestic plane and was pleasantly surprised when I could just walk out of the airport without the excruciatingly painful wait of customs. I could see them from the glass. Since before the landing my heart had started its excited palpitations. Similar to the ones I had when my man came back from the long work trip, but those were just a bit harder.
Love reunions. The best things in this world.
The first impression that one gets here is, why is every tenth person on the road suicidal? From a drunk looking bicyclist coming opposite to the main highway traffic at night to the shooter riders thinking somehow that turning in on a road in front of an oncoming 4x4 is simply a brilliant idea.
Home, home. The place where I grew up. After my homes in Australia, the first sensation is that everything is much smaller. The second thing one notices is the dust. It’s on everything. There is classic combination of having too much stuff and not having enough space here. The thing I do usually is to De clutter and it seems like a everyone else is catching up. Just takes a day to get used to it again.
But the love I feel for every single room, every little seat, all the books and plant, and the comfortable nooks, yes, it stays, no matter how dusty.
Outside much seems to have changed. A little piece of green heaven has been destroyed, but another has been grown. The little public park has, after all these year, acquired a dust bin. Its top half broken. There is much to clean and arrange in the home and I don’t feel like moving.
“That’s how you deal with your faults, you make them your features, your strengths. Your specialties.” “You be proud of them and learn/own them” Just uttered by my brother and edited by me. That is true.
Last night was beautiful. It is beautiful to be with my folks. Cuddling with my brother is always good. We slept and he warmed my cold hands in his. He has lost weight but grown a bit taller. We shaved his little goat beard and mustache. The love doesn’t go away, it’s so mesmerizing. Brother is still my baby, as he came and lay on my lap. He may have turned 18. Still my baby. His complaint is my bum isn’t as big as it was because when he tries to kick he can feel the bone. You come back and it’s all there, waiting for you to pick it up where you left it. No awkwardness. It’s all yours. I know it’s not like that with everyone but I and mine, yes it is, and hopefully that stays. 

If anything, my lover has taught me more, he has taught me how to love better.  To conquer my faults and be my best version. He may not know this, but he is admired, someone I think brings the best out ( and the worst, sometimes).

That’s what good love is about. You learn to be better person because you want to be the best you can be for them. It makes us all better. 

Just as my brother went downstairs for me to get the phone for me without my having to ask, even though he was playing his game, as he knows I am in much pain today. (He has me sitting near him while we both work on our own things) We are used to being close. Doesn’t mean we can’t stay apart, but we do like to be together. That’s how I’ve learnt to love, caring and close. Learning that if we are 100% truthful, we all are reliant on each other to a certain degree. We do what the other needs us to.
This trip promises to be beautiful. There is a certain charm to all this. Even the ear splitting music (annoying!) coming from the next door neighbour’s function. Plus I get to say, ‘hey puppy!’ to all the stray dogs and miss my pups.
Love till next :) stay safe. 

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Love and remembering its roots

You have to keep your love fresh and alive. If you are lucky enough to have found that love from which there is no return. No other titles are needed for it, it consumes heart,soul and your whole being. It makes you grow, without trying to change you. It's support, it's the courage of great communication, it's pure truth. It's chemistry that seems natural. It's best friends and lovers. It's messed up and challenging, it requires you to be authentic, fully present.
it's the most magical thing of all. It's happiness. It's defined by giving kindness. By the courage of sticking it out in the bad times, not chickening out for selfish reasons or our own comfort.
It's not the fairytale sold to us. It's the great love , the stuff of legends.

If you have it, make sure to keep it well.
Honor it.

1. Listen like it’s the first time you’ve heard their words.
2. Make love like you’ve just discovered their body.
3. Laugh with them like it’s the last time you’ll hear their joy.
4. Cry with them like they've just revealed what makes them vulnerable.
5. Dream with them like there’s nothing to keep you from making it all come true.
6. Be honest about what you need and ask them for the same.
7. Give your time to them as if this is the last moment you’ll have together.
8. Kiss like every kiss is the last one.
9. Ask for what you need as if you’ve never asked before.
10. Treat them like they're your best friend, even when they're not.
11. Forgive them when they mess up. It will be your turn sometime.
12. Love them with the best part of yourself, and while you’re at it, love yourself the same.
13. Feel free to say ‘I love you and this won’t break us apart’ in the middle of your worst argument.
14. Spend time apart.
15. Spend time together like you mean it, not just because you’re a couple. Go on adventures.
16. Take every moment together for the gift that it is. Imagine the end and remember the beginning. Do things that you give as gifts, things they want you to do, not only what you are comfortable with.
17. Be honest, even when you’re feeling like lying. Sometimes we say what we don’t mean, because we don’t want to be hurtful. But just admit that, and then say what you really mean. Its never too late to admit the truth.
18. Show them that they're important enough for you to drop everything to attend to them. We all need a little reminder of this.
19. Be real, your most authentic self, and ask for the same.
20. Walk away if its non existent, and bank love like there’s no walking away. You  breath together, spiritually.
21. Don’t be afraid to grow at different times and in different areas. Honor the differences, and remember that your partner is a seeker just like you.
22. Send each other letters. When spoken words are difficult, the written word can heal.
23. Get naked when words are nothing but well sharpened knives. Let your bodies bring you back to center.
24. Surprise them. Remind them that you’re magical.
25. Treat yourself as well as you’d like them to treat you.

Always give what they need, not what you're wanting to do only
Be kind.
Be gentle.
Do not take them for granted. Ever.  Just because you know you have their love doesn't mean you don't try to keep doing your best. Everyday

Here's to an amazing new year full of love, lust, laughter and little big moments of eternal magic and success, happiness, enchanted adventures. May we flourish.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Pleasant pastures

The house is quiet, the bedroom is almost spotless. Calm after the through spring clean is in the air and the dog thinks I am rather annoying for not patting her and fiddling with a box. 

I sit here, wishing for all the people that I would rather were with me. I spent my morning call home grumbling at dad, trying to convince him to come over. After all, he also deserves a trip on his own after mom. He’d much rather do it later, all of them together. 

However, the Bunch of dried lavender tied and left for me by my lover is wafting its calm and love to me from the bedside table, and there is the rather annoyed dog. 

I’ve been debating a philosophical and moral question. 

Would I, try to save the ones I love at the peril of my own. Do we love enough to share the last bite we may have? I hope we never have to find out, but if it does come, I hope I have that in me, and that I am also loved thus. 

Why so morose, you ask? Not morose at all. It started from me being annoyed about something, questioning the principles of giving in love, the selflessness involved (and required) and the forethought that goes into how we treat and plan things for those we love. If its ok to feel that one gives too much, but then to think that there really is no such thing – how can there be?
Now the dog has given up and left the room to maybe roll in the garden. Infinitely more entertaining.
I was thinking about what happened at Bergen Belsen. How much humans can endure, and if the current meat industry isn’t a lot like the concentration camps (only there was no breeding involved), work them until they can’t anymore and then kill them. How the SS women were more distant and cruel than the men. Indeed – a woman can be a lot, in her love, giving, endurance, suffering, wrath, revenge or cruelty – not all, but the ones with minds and backbone can actually be supreme sometimes between the two sexes. What we lack in the physical, we make up for in the mental. A little part of me wonders at what I am currently reading, just at this point in time. When a minute worry niggles at me when I let it, I hope it is never possible to revisit depravities of the Second World War ever again. 

The dog is back, covered in bits of dried grass. So much for cleaning. She is looking at me hopefully, dear Babu. 

I do find it that it is easier for me to concentrate on my writing, creating or generally enjoy myself when the room and hopefully the house is clean. Not sparkling clean, that never happens, but generally so. With 85% of things where they belong and a few bits of grass here and there. Then I can calm down, sit in the clean room and write. It feels friendlier, productive. 

Being in love is, interesting. It makes one wish to crystalize moments and keep them, hanging around us. It’s amazing, challenging, debilitating, utterly magical and charming, and it makes for a happy life. I cannot describe it, but I can say with absolute certainty that one has to learn what love isn’t to learn what love actually is. You cannot make lists of what you want, you can however take note of what is unacceptable, what you do not want. Only that you have some control over. Even after finding love, it is a constant learning process and informing and debating each other about what we do not wish for, and do not want – and then creating, knowingly or unknowingly, things that we do want and come to adore. 

Love is courage. The true test of it is not only the extreme moments of saving each other, but also the trials and tribulations of everyday life. Love is effort sometimes, like anything worth its salt should be. Love is the microscope that reveals hidden mysteries about yourself, to you and your lover. Make sure to magnify the good ones and learning from the others. Grow with it, grow with each other (not change –grow), and let it make you the best version of you. You have your whole life to learn and practice. If you can’t do something well today, you will tomorrow, or the day after. Keep trying. Do not despair and think you’re not good enough – that is cowardice. Try again, be kinder, give more than you think is needed. It will come. Love is giving. 

I’m so wise. The dog says so. She is also my yoga companion.

Well I was walking back home yesterday evening and saw a very yummy, crunchy looking leaf. I had lots of bags but the joys of stomping over a crunchy leaf are immense and not to be missed. An everyday crunchy leaf has a single good crunch in it, but an extraordinary one has several! This one was a several stomps leaf. It was nice and brown all around, crisped by the summer sun. I stepped on it with one foot and then with the other, and the crackling noise, the feeling of it being crushed underfoot, the crunch, the sheer pleasure was indeed half orgasmic but in a fully non adult way.
Sometimes one comes upon a dried bunch of eucalyptus leaves and the nose joins in on the pleasures.
The stars up here at night are a delight. I go out every night to say hello to them before bed, no matter how sleepy I maybe. They are friendly. Last night I saw that the sky had changed silently while the super moon had been covering up its tracks. The constellations that I could see now are different from the ones in winter. I found Krutika, a constellation I’ve been seeing after midnight on summer nights in the northern hemisphere was rising before 11 here in summer. I made me full of joy. In all despair and in all pleasure, trees, clouds, the sky and stars will stand with you. Always bringing awe, wonder, hope and magic. I also send out love to people afar and hope that they spare a glance at the heavens too. It is full of my love for them, I am sure they’d feel it if they remembered to look. 

As time isn’t inside clocks,
Love isn’t inside bodies:
Bodies only tell the love.
-Yehuda Amichai

Feeling that you are on your own in times of trouble is entirely unpleasant. Even though you know that help will come if needed, the reassurance given without having to ask and voluntarily is much more important than asking.

I give it out, promptly, profusely and fully. As if it isn’t a favor at all.I have found the love, understanding and acceptance in my partner and for that I am happy.

We have to speak to our loved ones as if they are the wisest, kindest, most beautiful and magical people on earth - for what we believe, we become. I expect a lot and believe that they are capable of it too.

The point is, to choose your partner, its the cherry on to top of loving fully. To choose them is to give them what they need, even when you don't think you can give anymore. Choosing to do so forever and always adoring them like the first few months when  you were trying to woo them. Letters, gestures, acts and deeds. Remember, they are a lot more important to you now than then.  

I sit outside in the back garden with the dog and time stands still. Reading has come back with love, enfolding me in its comfortable embrace. There are also news to be  read outside. The spinach being attacked by the snails being the first headline, the giant moth that had been circling above me as I fell asleep is now being eaten by ants, it's worldly remains almost disappeared. Cries of help coming from the lady bug trying to keep herself afloat in the puppy's water bucket. Then rescue missions. 
Life is a pleasant pasture when you have this much, and the love  of your loved ones.

Third of December and it rained later that evening. Walking back from the station, in a secluded corner of the park, I saw two teenagers cuddling and kissing. As if they couldn't get enough of each other, the urgency  of young love, devouring. I missed that time, of my own. Wishing I could be a teenager with my lover and then realized, I  am. Everything from the teen to the devouted, wise, loved lover in her 80s. I have the similar, but better and what's more, the  urgency continues on. 

Night rain was cleansing, The air laced with the aroma, cool  and fragrant. We had peaches to peel and pit. Puppy likes peaches. 

Here I shall stop. Uppity up, says the coming year. May it be full of pleasant urgency driven kisses, New adventures, New trips, dreams coming true and successes. Good health, wisdom and more love, experiences and happiness together with my loved ones. Magical in its entirety. May also the world find peace.
Let's make it a pleasant pasture and an amazing year, May our hearts soar.