The year that was, the year that is.

I woke (again) early this morning, at the sound of our baby daughter squirming in pain. Teething. Red rash and all. I wish I could sooth the world like I can sooth her. Most of the time. It is so gratifying to be so much to someone by the by. She is a blessed being. She was born last year, before all the madness began. She joined her flame to ours, she lights all our ways.

Then I read the urgent plea from a family friend in India asking for plasma for her mother on ventilator, sick with Covid. I shared and did what I thought best to help in some minute way,I wish them the best. I couldn't regain my sleep. This on a night that I had already not slept much. The mind wanders, it imagines, the worst and the best too.

What is life, if not for the people in it? Before he left, Tim gave me a bracing embrace. Knowing exactly what was needed. Oh how solid he is, he solves all and soothes all. I tell him he'd be my mother, if he weren't my husband. But aren't all bodies we hold dear, extremely fragile? At least in our minds. Treasuring them and not taking them for granted also makes everything fleeting. Do I live in constant fear of losing them? How can I not?  I feel like wrapping my arms around them all holding them tight. Hiding them under a comfortable, warm blanket on a cold night, and feeding them nourishing soup and bread. or anything else they wish for. Like I can with my little daughter, who fits so well in my arms. They are all big and able. I sometimes feel invincible in my worry for them. As if I can withstand anything, fight anything, but my loved ones might not be so strong. I am wrong of course, because they are all strong, all brave - and some of them are in India. This is what meditation was made for.

Here's a Sketch of a happy cow with attitude. Because why not.

Oh India. India that burns.Oh my India. I hope and pray constantly. I think if I hold a spoon this way than that, the likely-hood  of their safety increases. The games the mind plays. Despair prevails in that country, under men gone mad with ego and power. What has the world come to? 

The time I wrote my last blog post last year, December 19, who had an inkling of such a huge disaster that has played out in the world. Daily we see how increasingly suspicious and stupid people grow with it. Those who can't grasp how big this disaster is then resort to soothing themselves with make believes, conspiracies. The theorists have probably killed as many as the virus. 

I ask you, my readers, if you see some dumb idiot making unfounded claims on whichever platform, report it. That at least is your civic duty. Until 2019, I don't even remember seeing so much chatter on social media. So much hate, so much ignorance and anti scientific behavior. The worst were the flat earthers. Then suddenly, March 2020 and it all erupts and it's still going on. Being anti vax is a legitimate reason to not date someone and that is as it should be. 

These hard days have shown us how much misinformation can do. How many it can kill. How many it can corrupt. How extremely important education is. How equally important it is to not give air time to idiots. I have not minus thousand patience for anyone with such apathetic, cruel, selfish, greedy, closed mind. No wonder poor Greta gets angry. 

And , literally, I deserve no sympathy, I need none. There are many millions who do though. If there ever was a year to make donations, this is it. Here is a worthy cause, out of millions out there of course. https://www.unicef.org/immunization 

With a heavy heart, I sign off. Ever hopeful that I will be able to report gladder tidings the next time I find a minute to write for myself. 

Ah... and I could go on and on about the pleasures of writing. Of the words just slipping off the tips of my fingers. Not always but at times. 

Much good has come forward in these hard times too!  I now remember. We have learnt so much, so has science, we may soon have a cure for cancer, The glass ceiling has recently been broken by a female of color in the Oscars, females did well in it this year, which had me celebrating in a little way. They have found a 100% bio degradable plastic, we have just come out of our 3 day lock-down in Perth and seem to have no other cases, fingers crossed. Australia continues to stay sensible. The world is so beautiful, our baby being the most beautiful of it all. The garden grows.

Maybe, the world does have a chance after all. Do send out a prayer, that it may be so.

school days,college days, and Growing up in different ways.

I've been meaning to write about my adventures during the last days of college, from a while now,but the exact moment of inspiration hadn't come till today.

today I was made to realize, that school girl frocks had pockets!

now, do you know what it signifies? that little detail is extremely important- with a good,sturdy pocket -you are the master of the world, or nearly that anyway. A school girl, such as my self, would use her pockets wisely, there will be every sort of knick knack in it , to be preserved and hoarded. from pieces of erasers, to stub pencils, sometimes a hanky ,but usually not, but if there is one , all the corners will be tied in to knots to preserve and store little treasures,such as interesting looking rocks and pebbles one finds during the prayer time,when we sit down on the play ground, or during the physical activity class.Once it had imprisoned a little ladybug, one of the many found on a flower bush in the school, to show to my inquisitive little brother, but by the time the "school girl me" reached home, the poor thing had been just a cold corpse.different leaves,sticks,little notes containing scribbles of the important nature ,to be pasted in the diary or given to someone, some times an odd rupee or two,never more,the yellow fruits of Neem tree, flowers, now and then, stamps -many times,sometimes a pen, something interesting found on the road,pictures off of match stick boxes, bicycle keys,chalk pieces, blank pages, and sometimes written ones.

why did I realize and remember this? because I was standing outside my school, where now my brother studies, and  I was early then I had to be,I had half an hour to just sit there,on the scooter ,observing the world.the discovery of pockets made me want to write again.I simply couldn't get on with my blog about my trip as long as I hadn't written this, and so this will be dealt with much love,first.

I also noticed that the category of children, hadn't changed at all, I will talk about the girls as I studied in the a girls school at the time. the similarities continue in such a way that the facial traits are the same,of the corresponding character.

-there was the studious ,"I want to make my parents proud and be a doctor" kind of girls, bespectacled, long braided with sleek,oiled,out of the way hair, prim mouth and a precise manner. some passing girls would be asking her for her notes or will be asking a hard problem that she can't solve her self.the studious do not indulge in being overly friendly, for they are focused on not wasting their study time.

- the vain girls, those who are fairer than the lesser mortals, and have a high opinion of them selves,without much character, and the girls of shallow and weak spirits praise them on to a pedestal.you can spot those good looking popular ones anywhere.

-the intellectual, harder ones to find than the other kinds, not as studious as the first category, they pursue their passion because they want to,and not for the marks or praise or parents.they are not good in all the subjects, but are aces in the ones they like. they look rather lost, full of pride and with a sure stride, aloof, they don't care much about the feather heads- but you can spot them with their amused smirks directed at some silly ninny.they sometimes have a devoted confidante- or sometimes not.

-the bully, you know the kind, I don't need to elaborate.

-the gossips, a band of girls laughing, dropping their voices, and then shrieking with laughter again while passing none too subtle a glances at the intellectual or the studious. you'll know those fickle birds anywhere.

- then ,there might be a jolly sport, some one who has lots of friends and good enough marks to go by.they may or may not have big dreams,but they hardly seem to care, at that point.

-the rebel, the girl who will keep her hair open, will get a temporary tattoo here and there, put on some eyeliner (not allowed in school),like rock music and hold an overly high opinion of her self,and wouldn't like the constraining ways of the parents or the society (the milder equivalent of the western "Goth" so to speak), who hated the prime and lecturing teachers, and thought the other ones fool to follow them like a herd of witless sheep. they are rather nice, if you can make them be friends with you.

-the thin, sad, unhappy girls, those who never scored good, nor looked good, because they were never told anything to make them feel good at home, unhappy with life and them selves, and confused and scared.that is the unhappy truth. a friend and I did make a "rescue society" in the 10th standard for them, but I made the mistake of taking in the vain and the popular in it with us, and the sad girls felt threatened and insulted by them and rebelled against the fact that they needed any help,and without any actual real guidance, the society collapsed.

anyhow, I mustn't label , But I was just observing, things in school do not change so much.
dare you try and tell which one I was?

then I hit another strain of thought, about the recently left college life, how it had started, how scary it had been, initially, to the unbroken colt like me, fresh from high school, innocent or the world's worldly ways.afraid of the stylish people and unsure of myself, but nonetheless, always firm in my resolve to never change to suit the public opinion or create a false image of myself. this I have successfully maintained, while, during the college time, my opinion of my looks has had a lot of pushing up done with it,and now I know that I am a good looking lady, and all the more humble for it, I never did doubt that I was a wonderful person,at-least from the inside,even in school.while my dressing confidence has evolved for the better,I know what I like and will wear it without discomfort.

I thought about the struggles of the artistic line, of being outside of any particular group, and also the pleasure of having made some gem like friends, connections that will last a lifetime, in college,as well as elsewhere. each a precious treasure, picked and chosen by fate to be put in my path.I am lucky that they liked me and caught on,despite all of my peculiarities.

I also thought about how I had come in a totally different sphere of attitude, as far as romance was concerned, in school, I was surrounded ,as if in a nunnery , where one forward girl was gossiped about her "handshake" with a boy for a month.not that I partook any of it or like it.they were just hypocrites and I thought so at the time too, but the college scene, it was quite the opposite, people changed their gf s and bf s ,so called in short, each week, or when the novelty wore off. I never approved of the system and felt quite disgusted with the shallowness of their professed feelings,never ever having been at the giving or receiving end of the class gossip, I found out late in my third year, that I was considered to be a lesbian :D, it came about when I was trudging on ,on the long,hot ,dusty way toward the stationary shop,one noon, and two girls got out of the cafe`(a place I rarely went to), looked at me and one whispered to another "she's a lesbo", now, the poor thing hadn't a clue that I would hear it,after all, I do have a high noise sensitivity, and a trained ear,with a childhood spent in nature.( I do wonder at people being so DEAF these days,for they really are in the cities). I was quite speachless ,actually, and unable to confront them.for a sizzling, shining minute, I was angry,red hot angry, and then I burst out laughing, to the amusement of other passers by -laughing so to myself. the people here still treat homosexuality as a freak of nature, or most do,rather then a natural occurrence, I wasn't offended by being accused of being that, I was just a bit saddened, as any self respecting straight girl might be. I believe the misunderstanding was pardonable, what with my lonely lunches (not always,but often enough, when only when none of my three friends were around,because of difference in classes)and being stuck in the library so long, never populating the popular haunts like the canteen and cafe`s, and never flirting or even smiling without reason with a boy. sometimes I am even unaware of them, unless they have a lot of character. I actually hadn't yet learnt to ease up , to imbibe my straight backed ,head held high walk with a hint of a friendly swing, to mix my idea of grace with a womanly charm, to give sometimes, a more than friendly smile,to colour my helpfulness to others in the class with a preference to some particular persons and leaving them guessing all the while (that I don't think I want to do),and truth be told, I do believe I rather frightened the little boys. I might have mentioned my first day before sometime on here, when a boy asked me what my name was and I cut him short with a curt reply consisting of "what do you want to know that for?" it was really a defense mechanism- brought in to play  by my little scared head, I had heard about ragging and didn't want it, thus this answer from a brave school girl. that fellow had to be the big mouthed one. He told everyone how I bit his head off. he told me so himself in the fourth year, when I had grown a bit more approachable,and we were in the same class.

I can still be as frosty as Uranus if I wish to,am so, in public transports, but my beloved ones will assure you that I am a veritable ray of the Sun.

now,on the threshold of starting a new kind of life, a working,independent person, how grown up it sounds!! I ,who still take part in the final rights of refills of much loved pens,can never grow up,in the way the world wants me to, I will say this, that to me, to grow up is to know that you mustn't jump in to the puddle with your leather shoes on, but you mustn't stop jumping in to them!

(do not copy the quotes :D)

check out a recent video :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUPdslbETro&feature=share

now, like never before,I feel like a ship who has lost it's anchor, I feel frightened a little of the future, which has never happened before. I hate having to leave my family,though I shall come back to them each night, but the day doesn't seem too far when I might have to go abroad to study,oh HOW shall I survive without those beloved souls? It is an unreasonable fear and I know I will do what has to be done, as I always do, but my mind is in grief.

Add in to it, an unattainable dream, a dream quite out of my hands to achieve or win,for it be not mine only to take. a dream which my heard hadn't dared to dream before and which remained quite untouched,no matter how much I tried, for a heart always hopes, a wistful,painful inward journey which has taught me a lot, but disillusionment is nothing but an empty patch which makes you think you will probably be lost in the desert before you reach the edge of the oasis- till then ,you just believe that it be only a fantasy. Right now,I shall hold that unattainable dream in clear sight , detach my heart from it, and keep there to cheer me on and inspire me, in a rather odd way, towards other, more fruitful dreams.

well, so on and on I waited, looking on and feeling rather sad about my almost grown up state. the time ticked by, and my brother didn't come out, where was he? I wondered. some more time went by, almost all the children were gone and only a few slow ones remained, still talking over things.

I decided to get down from my observation tower,the scooter and find the way ward child. I was rather annoyed at his nonappearance and a bit worried.

So in the gates I went, and scoured the play ground the back gate and then went down the main walk, toward the front gate.while I walked,searching all the while,I heard a patter of running feet behind me, and before I could turn , I was hugged from behind, or my knees were, to be precise. I knew that a child was clutching me around my legs after the first millisecond of "what in the world!". So I turned on him a smiling countenance. he was round  faced, with copper brown curls and huge,hazel eyes,rather pretty. he smiled back, and his companion reached us, who was informed with a laugh, that "She is a rainbow!! Come and see." this ,ofcourse, made me break out in a smile even more wider. this was brought about by my not having bothered to remove my rainbow striped slacks from under my long ,very long mind you, top. I am happy that it happened.no one had told me that I am a rainbow in such a nice way before.

I didn't have to leave them or anything, they just let me go and kept busily talking about the whole magic of finding me to be a rainbow - and My little wave was quite unobserved, but I did depart, for I had my own little rainbow to find, whom I found in the principal's office, looking rather blue. He wasn't in detention ,he was having to wait for being particularly good in Tae Kwon Do, he was waiting for the school games form to arrive, which the sluggish staff was taking ages to print. So I just went in and hurried things up a bit.

let's speed up now, the new day has just arrived! today is my first day of real work! wish me luck,O kind and beloved, for your good wishes mean a lot.

thank you.