Avian Aspirations

After being on an intense, hormone fueled rampage that brought out everything that bothered me to the obvious dissatisfied forefront, needing to be dealt with now, I boarded the flight to Malaysia with a heavy heart and a throbbing head. Utter exhaustion was mine even before the journey started. Well, true travelers rest while they travel.

Hormones only makes one utter things that otherwise keep lurking under the surface. I suppose this brain fever has one use, to bring about the conversations that if not had and dealt with would spread like poison inside, a cancer, becoming too powerful. I would always choose discomfort and pain in the moment of facing the truth rather than a slow demise of something wonderfully magical. It’s worth the efforts, it’s worth it all.

Leaving the arms of my lover and going across that band from where I cannot see his dear face, which was the hardest part. The knowledge of his exhaustion as well with the emotional onslaught we were/ are going through just makes my pride in him shine more. We will endure, and learn and keep loving better and giving more.

This is about impressions of airports, cities and people. The sky of Kuala Lumpur entered my sleep blurred vision like a teeming sack of fires. The lights kept going out after flickering for a while and I could only liken it to bonfires lit on farmlands. Definitely not what I had imagined that sky to look like. My fancy had taken me there long before with the impressive swooping glimpses of the lightest Petronas towers and a city that was a floor of diamonds. This was however, different. Not any less interesting, just different.

The only comment to be made of KL airport is that they need to make sure that their charging ports actually work,, that there are some sleeping lounges and that their female staff don’t merely push another female traveler aside , gently of course, but use words to display that intention.

I have to say that on this flight, somehow, I have been attracting attention. Suspicious one that is. Always get the interested / attracted one, but this is rather new. Maybe I looked too carefree, the “I don’t care anymore” attitude that I have been carrying around in my soul may seem a bit destructive. Even in India, three times people actually just stopped me to ask to see my passport, not sure if I look like a confused combination of nationalities as well. Had to open my bag for inspection as the security wondered why I had copious amounts of vegetables in my hand luggage too. But all fun and games, all in all, to relieve the tedium of a 24 hour + long journey dotted with airport stays. However, my aimless wanderings up and down the Chennai airport strip did make a few security guards ask me what was up, they directed me towards food, where to rest and one also gave me his phone to make a much needed phone call home when my roaming failed to activate. It still hasn’t, it won’t.

 My first glimpse of my country was different this time around, as the golden hazed , mystical sky let go of our wonder of an aviation machine ( I half expected to see some phoenixes or golden unicorns) as the sun rose high above the cloud line, and there was a moment where the plane hung, between the blanket of the clouds and the atmosphere below, the shards of pristine light filtering through, the sun seeming like it was almost level with me, or I was almost with the sun…and the land below unfolded.

I was sitting there wondering at how we have actually managed to fly. How absolutely amazing the realization is, when you pause to really think about it, and feel that sensation, let your little brain grasp the enormity of that fact. See if you don’t get goosebumps.

Sunrise

Temple near the Chennai airport

India.

Think we can’t overcome other things?

Saying a teary farewell to the Australian shore had been raw and emotional, even though I shall see it again soon. The blue coasting stretched under me as the city just rose and was left behind, before that I could trace the path of the rivers, find the roofs of my old university, that Jetty where I’ve walked hand in hand with my lover, and then, to my delighted surprise ,I saw the place where we first met, laid out on the ocean like a blooming flower , and then it wasn’t hard for me to follow the path of the coast to find the area where we always go to try and make the dog swim.

They are now my life, of this I am certain. 

As I was mentioning, the shore of my motherland, was as dramatic as you would expect such a great country to be. Laid out in a great patchwork pattern were one of the world’s most fertile plains, which feed more than a billion peoples. Each village distinctively traceable with their own patch of land, worked by its people diligently. Connected by pounded dirt roads that snaked around. Watching how the land lay by air is indeed a pleasure.  I could find the national highway that I have been driven on before to get to Chennai on a study trip as an architecture grad and saw how the dirt routes connected to it, a way I didn’t expect. The farmlands were bordered with coconut palms and little cars raced on the big six lane tarmac highway.

There were water bodies and giant homes, sheds and modernist apartment blocks. Lush green that is so rare on the Perth horizon. Indeed, in fertility, this land doesn’t disappoint. Anything that touches it comes to life.

There were some mines, I believe, with winding dirt roads going inside the bowels of the earth, and large craters and cliffs, where I could see the shades of the red and brown loam. Amazing geological formations that I wouldn’t have fully grasped the full configuration of on foot. Things of beauty and awe.

The city started slowly, and then become full all of a sudden. Little match box homes flanked on the sides with coconut palms, this was the real Chennai. Little roads that snaked in and out, making streets that were alive with activity early in the waking city. Homes were painted in flamboyant colours. I actually saw one house that was sun-ray yellow. That is the only colour that I could honestly describe it with. Sunshine. There were hues of blues and greens, ocher and pink. No Grey and white here.

I found the airport staff a lot more polite here than Malaysia. I didn’t think that possible but it is true.  They are actually much friendlier and nicer, even if they do not have supposed western refinement of manners of saying “thanks” a lot and yes, in India, people will cut queues and it is rather frustrating. The idea of letting others go first is actually faster has a lot of time to wait before it gets accepted.

How is it that the delayed announcements in airports never really sound sorry, even though they vehemently declare their regrets? (Applies to public transport too?)

Now I await the final leg of my journey, rather impatiently to be quite honest. Since the morning phone call that I made to my mother from a kindly security officer’s phone, there had been no other contact and I cannot wait to be in their arms. And to talk to my lover too who hopefully has been contacted by my mother.

Ooo

 I shall go and pace impatiently or read my regency romance a bit more, they’re about to make love. :P

My face was lit with a constant smile a whole half hour before the plane landed. I then forgot that I was actually on a domestic plane and was pleasantly surprised when I could just walk out of the airport without the excruciatingly painful wait of customs. I could see them from the glass. Since before the landing my heart had started its excited palpitations. Similar to the ones I had when my man came back from the long work trip, but those were just a bit harder.

Love reunions. The best things in this world.

The first impression that one gets here is, why is every tenth person on the road suicidal? From a drunk looking bicyclist coming opposite to the main highway traffic at night to the shooter riders thinking somehow that turning in on a road in front of an oncoming 4x4 is simply a brilliant idea.

Home, home. The place where I grew up. After my homes in Australia, the first sensation is that everything is much smaller. The second thing one notices is the dust. It’s on everything. There is classic combination of having too much stuff and not having enough space here. The thing I do usually is to De clutter and it seems like a everyone else is catching up. Just takes a day to get used to it again.

But the love I feel for every single room, every little seat, all the books and plant, and the comfortable nooks, yes, it stays, no matter how dusty.

Outside much seems to have changed. A little piece of green heaven has been destroyed, but another has been grown. The little public park has, after all these year, acquired a dust bin. Its top half broken. There is much to clean and arrange in the home and I don’t feel like moving.

“That’s how you deal with your faults, you make them your features, your strengths. Your specialties.” “You be proud of them and learn/own them” Just uttered by my brother and edited by me. That is true.

Last night was beautiful. It is beautiful to be with my folks. Cuddling with my brother is always good. We slept and he warmed my cold hands in his. He has lost weight but grown a bit taller. We shaved his little goat beard and mustache. The love doesn’t go away, it’s so mesmerizing. Brother is still my baby, as he came and lay on my lap. He may have turned 18. Still my baby. His complaint is my bum isn’t as big as it was because when he tries to kick he can feel the bone. You come back and it’s all there, waiting for you to pick it up where you left it. No awkwardness. It’s all yours. I know it’s not like that with everyone but I and mine, yes it is, and hopefully that stays. 

If anything, my lover has taught me more, he has taught me how to love better.  To conquer my faults and be my best version. He may not know this, but he is admired, someone I think brings the best out ( and the worst, sometimes).

That’s what good love is about. You learn to be better person because you want to be the best you can be for them. It makes us all better. 

Just as my brother went downstairs for me to get the phone for me without my having to ask, even though he was playing his game, as he knows I am in much pain today. (He has me sitting near him while we both work on our own things) We are used to being close. Doesn’t mean we can’t stay apart, but we do like to be together. That’s how I’ve learnt to love, caring and close. Learning that if we are 100% truthful, we all are reliant on each other to a certain degree. We do what the other needs us to.

This trip promises to be beautiful. There is a certain charm to all this. Even the ear splitting music (annoying!) coming from the next door neighbour’s function. Plus I get to say, ‘hey puppy!’ to all the stray dogs and miss my pups.

Love till next :) stay safe. 

 

Love and remembering its roots

You have to keep your love fresh and alive. If you are lucky enough to have found that love from which there is no return. No other titles are needed for it, it consumes heart,soul and your whole being. It makes you grow, without trying to change you. It's support, it's the courage of great communication, it's pure truth. It's chemistry that seems natural. It's best friends and lovers. It's messed up and challenging, it requires you to be authentic, fully present.
it's the most magical thing of all. It's happiness. It's defined by giving kindness. By the courage of sticking it out in the bad times, not chickening out for selfish reasons or our own comfort.
It's not the fairytale sold to us. It's the great love , the stuff of legends.

If you have it, make sure to keep it well.
Honor it.

1. Listen like it’s the first time you’ve heard their words.
2. Make love like you’ve just discovered their body.
3. Laugh with them like it’s the last time you’ll hear their joy.
4. Cry with them like they've just revealed what makes them vulnerable.
5. Dream with them like there’s nothing to keep you from making it all come true.
6. Be honest about what you need and ask them for the same.
7. Give your time to them as if this is the last moment you’ll have together.
8. Kiss like every kiss is the last one.
9. Ask for what you need as if you’ve never asked before.
10. Treat them like they're your best friend, even when they're not.
11. Forgive them when they mess up. It will be your turn sometime.
12. Love them with the best part of yourself, and while you’re at it, love yourself the same.
13. Feel free to say ‘I love you and this won’t break us apart’ in the middle of your worst argument.
14. Spend time apart.
15. Spend time together like you mean it, not just because you’re a couple. Go on adventures.
16. Take every moment together for the gift that it is. Imagine the end and remember the beginning. Do things that you give as gifts, things they want you to do, not only what you are comfortable with.
17. Be honest, even when you’re feeling like lying. Sometimes we say what we don’t mean, because we don’t want to be hurtful. But just admit that, and then say what you really mean. Its never too late to admit the truth.
18. Show them that they're important enough for you to drop everything to attend to them. We all need a little reminder of this.
19. Be real, your most authentic self, and ask for the same.
20. Walk away if its non existent, and bank love like there’s no walking away. You  breath together, spiritually.
21. Don’t be afraid to grow at different times and in different areas. Honor the differences, and remember that your partner is a seeker just like you.
22. Send each other letters. When spoken words are difficult, the written word can heal.
23. Get naked when words are nothing but well sharpened knives. Let your bodies bring you back to center.
24. Surprise them. Remind them that you’re magical.
25. Treat yourself as well as you’d like them to treat you.

Always give what they need, not what you're wanting to do only
Be kind.
Be gentle.
Do not take them for granted. Ever.  Just because you know you have their love doesn't mean you don't try to keep doing your best. Everyday

Here's to an amazing new year full of love, lust, laughter and little big moments of eternal magic and success, happiness, enchanted adventures. May we flourish.

Pleasant pastures

The house is quiet, the bedroom is almost spotless. Calm after the through spring clean is in the air and the dog thinks I am rather annoying for not patting her and fiddling with a box. 

I sit here, wishing for all the people that I would rather were with me. I spent my morning call home grumbling at dad, trying to convince him to come over. After all, he also deserves a trip on his own after mom. He’d much rather do it later, all of them together. 

However, the Bunch of dried lavender tied and left for me by my lover is wafting its calm and love to me from the bedside table, and there is the rather annoyed dog. 

I’ve been debating a philosophical and moral question. 

Would I, try to save the ones I love at the peril of my own. Do we love enough to share the last bite we may have? I hope we never have to find out, but if it does come, I hope I have that in me, and that I am also loved thus. 

Why so morose, you ask? Not morose at all. It started from me being annoyed about something, questioning the principles of giving in love, the selflessness involved (and required) and the forethought that goes into how we treat and plan things for those we love. If its ok to feel that one gives too much, but then to think that there really is no such thing – how can there be?

Now the dog has given up and left the room to maybe roll in the garden. Infinitely more entertaining.

I was thinking about what happened at Bergen Belsen. How much humans can endure, and if the current meat industry isn’t a lot like the concentration camps (only there was no breeding involved), work them until they can’t anymore and then kill them. How the SS women were more distant and cruel than the men. Indeed – a woman can be a lot, in her love, giving, endurance, suffering, wrath, revenge or cruelty – not all, but the ones with minds and backbone can actually be supreme sometimes between the two sexes. What we lack in the physical, we make up for in the mental. A little part of me wonders at what I am currently reading, just at this point in time. When a minute worry niggles at me when I let it, I hope it is never possible to revisit depravities of the Second World War ever again. 

The dog is back, covered in bits of dried grass. So much for cleaning. She is looking at me hopefully, dear Babu. 

I do find it that it is easier for me to concentrate on my writing, creating or generally enjoy myself when the room and hopefully the house is clean. Not sparkling clean, that never happens, but generally so. With 85% of things where they belong and a few bits of grass here and there. Then I can calm down, sit in the clean room and write. It feels friendlier, productive. 

Being in love is, interesting. It makes one wish to crystalize moments and keep them, hanging around us. It’s amazing, challenging, debilitating, utterly magical and charming, and it makes for a happy life. I cannot describe it, but I can say with absolute certainty that one has to learn what love isn’t to learn what love actually is. You cannot make lists of what you want, you can however take note of what is unacceptable, what you do not want. Only that you have some control over. Even after finding love, it is a constant learning process and informing and debating each other about what we do not wish for, and do not want – and then creating, knowingly or unknowingly, things that we do want and come to adore. 

Love is courage. The true test of it is not only the extreme moments of saving each other, but also the trials and tribulations of everyday life. Love is effort sometimes, like anything worth its salt should be. Love is the microscope that reveals hidden mysteries about yourself, to you and your lover. Make sure to magnify the good ones and learning from the others. Grow with it, grow with each other (not change –grow), and let it make you the best version of you. You have your whole life to learn and practice. If you can’t do something well today, you will tomorrow, or the day after. Keep trying. Do not despair and think you’re not good enough – that is cowardice. Try again, be kinder, give more than you think is needed. It will come. Love is giving. 

I’m so wise. The dog says so. She is also my yoga companion.

Well I was walking back home yesterday evening and saw a very yummy, crunchy looking leaf. I had lots of bags but the joys of stomping over a crunchy leaf are immense and not to be missed. An everyday crunchy leaf has a single good crunch in it, but an extraordinary one has several! This one was a several stomps leaf. It was nice and brown all around, crisped by the summer sun. I stepped on it with one foot and then with the other, and the crackling noise, the feeling of it being crushed underfoot, the crunch, the sheer pleasure was indeed half orgasmic but in a fully non adult way.

Sometimes one comes upon a dried bunch of eucalyptus leaves and the nose joins in on the pleasures.

The stars up here at night are a delight. I go out every night to say hello to them before bed, no matter how sleepy I maybe. They are friendly. Last night I saw that the sky had changed silently while the super moon had been covering up its tracks. The constellations that I could see now are different from the ones in winter. I found Krutika, a constellation I’ve been seeing after midnight on summer nights in the northern hemisphere was rising before 11 here in summer. I made me full of joy. In all despair and in all pleasure, trees, clouds, the sky and stars will stand with you. Always bringing awe, wonder, hope and magic. I also send out love to people afar and hope that they spare a glance at the heavens too. It is full of my love for them, I am sure they’d feel it if they remembered to look. 

As time isn’t inside clocks,

Love isn’t inside bodies:

Bodies only tell the love.

-Yehuda Amichai

Feeling that you are on your own in times of trouble is entirely unpleasant. Even though you know that help will come if needed, the reassurance given without having to ask and voluntarily is much more important than asking.

I give it out, promptly, profusely and fully. As if it isn’t a favor at all.I have found the love, understanding and acceptance in my partner and for that I am happy.

We have to speak to our loved ones as if they are the wisest, kindest, most beautiful and magical people on earth - for what we believe, we become. I expect a lot and believe that they are capable of it too.

The point is, to choose your partner, its the cherry on to top of loving fully. To choose them is to give them what they need, even when you don't think you can give anymore. Choosing to do so forever and always adoring them like the first few months when  you were trying to woo them. Letters, gestures, acts and deeds. Remember, they are a lot more important to you now than then.  

I sit outside in the back garden with the dog and time stands still. Reading has come back with love, enfolding me in its comfortable embrace. There are also news to be  read outside. The spinach being attacked by the snails being the first headline, the giant moth that had been circling above me as I fell asleep is now being eaten by ants, it's worldly remains almost disappeared. Cries of help coming from the lady bug trying to keep herself afloat in the puppy's water bucket. Then rescue missions. 
Life is a pleasant pasture when you have this much, and the love  of your loved ones.

Third of December and it rained later that evening. Walking back from the station, in a secluded corner of the park, I saw two teenagers cuddling and kissing. As if they couldn't get enough of each other, the urgency  of young love, devouring. I missed that time, of my own. Wishing I could be a teenager with my lover and then realized, I  am. Everything from the teen to the devouted, wise, loved lover in her 80s. I have the similar, but better and what's more, the  urgency continues on. 

Night rain was cleansing, The air laced with the aroma, cool  and fragrant. We had peaches to peel and pit. Puppy likes peaches. 

Here I shall stop. Uppity up, says the coming year. May it be full of pleasant urgency driven kisses, New adventures, New trips, dreams coming true and successes. Good health, wisdom and more love, experiences and happiness together with my loved ones. Magical in its entirety. May also the world find peace.
Let's make it a pleasant pasture and an amazing year, May our hearts soar. 

Those nights.

There's a bird, that only sings at night.
Night and day, it does divide.

Working wheels have stopped,
Last workers called to hive. 

Long after the revelers have ceased.
There's only, my ears to preach,

Only those haunted by love,

Awake are at that hour.

In tortures of pleasures or pain.
Only the thinkers of this mind,

Do wake then to hear this call of thine.

It preaches only to them.

Those souls, in turmoil.

I know it now,
I know it well.

In the dark of night, bathed in tears,
Only it's kindly words did I hear.
It called me back , and pulled me out. 
Sweet was it's melody, if ever so proud.

Now that I'm happy,
Merry as a bee.
And the dark of night,
Beloved again.

At times I still hear,
It's warble, it's shrill call.

The memory of those haunted nights
Return tenfold.

I'm stronger, I'm bold,
Even though memory remembers us all.

Thank that song, 
That sound.
Of love, of sorrow or of bleeding heart,
It taught of fragility of life,
To be true, to love and live.

Mine life, hadn't started, 

hadn't been weathered well. 

Young I still be, 

Still Naive and reckless.

But oh the need to live now,

to never hold back at all,

Is stronger than ever before. 

Die I may, today or in a hundred springs. 

I shan't again,

Not live..

Love guides me, not fear.

Sing o' little bird,

For pain may come and go.

Yours songs, will comfort forever more.

Love, shall endure,

Even though it seems to kill you half before. 

I wrote the above to define and condense a few truths from this year thus far. My mind still boggles when I try to look back at it and see the depth, width and range of things that have affected me and mine. All I can do is feel relief, take a deep breath and shake my head in disbelief. Was that me? My life turned so.... I have no words. But man, has it been something!! Learning...always learning. Being dazzled by the fortitude and courage of me and my love. The kind of things that can happen. Have and are still happening with me. Me - the effortless seductress of all the world, men and women. Even she struggled at times, before she understood that it wasn't about her allure.

Still, when I'm unguarded, regret and the inability to change the past haunts me. Then I remind myself that the way is only forward. That what I am is most important. If I seem impatient,too eager, too wantonly inclined to find my desirability again, how can I be blamed?

Now, hopefully, and mercifully, it will all come together slowly. Patience and kindness to myself and another is the key. But whew...have I been alive and full of emotions! Fully lived days in a way.

After all however, so changed, grown say, but still the same. I would still write the below with just that much love and ardor for life. I am thankful though, thankful for each moment, every feeling, and the deep self exploration and understanding this has brought about. Growth indeed, is a big thing, a BIG POSITIVE thing if you choose to make it so and learn from it. Let it make you braver, truer, and a better version of your self. May we always see the brighter side and let our hearts do the wise thing, tend to the heart's needs, ours and another's. Amen !

27th September 2013 

what a miracle everyday is,
you realize it when you watch a new day,stepping gingerly,towards dawn.
ah, but what a miracle it be,
just to watch the night depart, and watch it grow lighter.
I believe those to be the magic hours,
for they hold so much promise,
hope and faith.
anything can be done, on a day that you have woken up with,
O' this enchantment of light is worth losing sleeps over.
for you know the precise time when the first bird opened it's sleepy eyes and started cooing.
Have been up since 4 am and am absolutely blown (all over again) by the phenomenon.

 Yes, got to end with a light ,girly note - yes?
Ha ha and walks , lotsa walking.

My strawberry dress

Today, I donned my strawberry dress and ventured out of our tiny, precious little house. I have been a hermit for the last few days, and it was liberating to go on a walk.

Wearing a well loved dress has a power of its own. It gave me back all my good memories, humor and enchanting times that I have had wearing it. Life becomes brighter in those well loved clothes.

After a long time, as I walked, my brain was forming pros. It was not painfully sifting through visions and shadows which I couldn't stop and which in turn made me want to bash my head against something, HARD. My eyes constantly fighting tears. Not a day going past on which I'd be alone and hadn't shed a tear.

Today, (13 - 04 - 16) I was looking around , touching the flowers and kissing them, looking up inside the moving branches of trees, listening to their whispers. Saying hello to the birds. I was walking on the thin verge ,balancing and then jumping off and on, my skirts twitched and flared as my long, voluminous dress comforted me with its silk lining on my naked skin, with its reassuring weight on my slight frame. Men, on their evening runs, slowing down and acknowledging me. Two even stopping to say they had noticed I hadn't been around much. I've never needed to do more than be me and people are kind to me. I do not know when I have become the main character, but of course ,I am the heroin of my own story.  It feels good, To again be me.

For a while I was afraid I may have lost my magic.

In the past few months, so many have called me crazy. Yes of course I am crazy. But for one who has so idealized love her whole life for its power, truth and purity, this is maybe understandable . My own innocence drives me to bedlam. I expect it to do the impossible though - I have found the kind of love that can shift mountains, only if I would let it. 

I found my soul wishing for something really hard, something that was not in my hands , something I couldn't control or change. This feeling intensified as my own feelings of worthlessness and insecurity increased and then part of me started living in the past, the past became the present for me, it still is the present in some parts. It has a pulsating life of its own and we are trying to make peace.

Why? Why? Why? Why didn't you wait? My soul cried out in pain every waking moment. Why not me? Why those? How those? How? How? How do I erase those? How do I know I am really better then them? Am I? Why won't someone say so? Why can't I have more validation and re assurance ? Why can't I know about it? Why hide anything from me? Why? Why?

Knowing the senselessness and meaninglessness of my thoughts didn't stop them.I called myself many bad names, attributed things to myself which I in all honesty , didn't do. I pulled myself even lower because I was behaving less than perfectly in my own eyes.

I had indeed plunged in to one of the darkest times in my life. Where even thoughts of death seemed to occur at times in my supposedly "ever bright" brain. I have emerged slightly with a lot of self talk but mostly , with great help from the people that love me, unconditionally. Almost.

I will be brave.
Because I can't pretend that the past didn't happen,
I can't ignore.
So I must take the harder path,
and come to terms with things.

I don't like secrets. They act like thorns in my sides. I can't ignore something that I know I don't know. I tried burying my thoughts under work, movies and stories - and thus the thoughts came to me in my dreams. They became nightmares, pushing me to acknowledge and either keep dreaming up stories or find out the truth. I found the truth was much more bearable than the ghosts playing in my imagination. Yes admittedly, there are some more fringe questions that might need answering, but I am much at peace.

I do understand how my consciousness works. I am lucky to have a lover who has chosen to support me, in probably my worst patch. So much that I hardly recognize some of my behavioral patterns. I don't like the food that I cook, I don't feel hungry. I don't want to bubble over with news and excitement to my friends. He has stood by me strong and true. I've tried to not make it hard on him -   However, this also says something about our love and how we have developed admirably. So that makes me happy indeed.

I've put myself under strict rules of behavior , and each day that passes makes me I wish I hadn't. Its hard ,extremely hard to not talk about things when I've cultivated my whole personality around honest and clear communication. I can not wait to finish this disciplinary actions that I have taken on myself ( Did it because I want to be fair, to give him some breathing space. I know he needs it and to check myself - if it is wanton curiosity, there is no need to entertain it) New questions pop up to torture me, and nightmares still haunt me. Admittedly, the intensity and frequency has decreased, and my little experiment has had a considerable and laudable success. The amount of questions popping up has decreased too. Once one knows everything, logically, there should be no more to ask. Either that, or one would have talked about something so much that there would be no more to ask about it. I am aiming for that peaceful exit one day! I am not one who can ignore something that is hard, I have to do the hard first.

Glad, so very glad, for the success! For the relief!

There is still a presence that taints my every unwary moment, and in my sleep , stalks me. It is dark and it taunts me. There are still secrets and some questions,, Because things still don't make sense or add up and make me imagine. I awaken and it is there, laughing in my face. Spiteful and contemptuous. Early ,dark lonely hours of the last two mornings are the ones that made me regret making my promise but then as the day rises I feel better, I actively be better. I will be true. I know I can do it. Meanwhile I sincerely hope they will go without requiring answers and I am going to give it my honest, full force go. We shall see. If not, we shall fix it too. We can. I know.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! same goes for love. Every battle you have to fight together brings you closer, teaches you the intricacies of anther's brain. As long as you choose to fight on the same side, together. Nothing will be able to beat that combined force of love. Make sure you're on the same side and not against each other. Ever.

Even arguments against each other should be resolved from the same side, together.

This has brought us more close, if that was possible. It has. I may hurt, but I can see that plain fact. I kind of suspect this year is also a test year, I remember saying this at the start of the year, my gut told me that we shall learn a lot this year and if we manage to pass it together, comforting, supporting and loving each other, we would have passed the ultimate test set us by the universe. We would know, without a single doubt, but I for one already do know. Without a doubt. 

I shall also be kind to myself. No more name calling. I am a good hearted person. I am a kind, gentle, happy and empathetic person who , for once in her life, needs the same back. I love fully and without reservations. I hide nothing. One who has a vivid imagination and a pure soul which is rather naive. That's all.

Who said love is static? It simply grows , as you keep being fascinated, how delightful that there will always be something new to do, and learn.

"Half Knowledge is deadly, it does so much damage, (whereas full knowledge is liberating, saddening or not) as it leaves so much room for imagination, and an active imagination can kill one too."

Read the last post from January. I knew something was coming. I knew about this year. I can not say I was prepared. Nothing would have prepared me for this much sorrow.

Do you ever wonder at the heightened hues of flowers as the light rapidly dissipates at dusk? What makes them glow fiery reds and mystical violets , and blues of the most resplendent hues? They know the magic of the night is coming, and they are ready to dance in their best finery. Nights are my friends. Dreams are my vehicles of enchantment. I will get back my peace er' nights. I shall again learn to sleep peacefully when on my own. To like my food and bubble over with excitement for life. I shall once again fall asleep with an all knowing, playful, innocent smile on my lips as the sweet perfume of the fragile night flowers floats around me, and sweet dreams will keep me company in my peaceful slumber. This shall happen again. I know it shall.

Whatever discomfort this year brings, it also brings revelations. It is requiring us to strip down to our souls and bare all of our hearts. Maybe it is because this is a year of miracles, it has seen quite a few miracles already actually. Even when I plunge so in misery, I believe it has a reason.

So many intimate moments. So many grand adventures. Trips, tramps and first experiences. So many true words of love. My mother. This country. My man. His family.

My graduation, Dolphins, Snorkeling, seals, Kangaroos, Meals, meeting parents,camping, touring, traveling, having big big talks, all grown up for us little ones. And cats!! and Kids. And lots of walks, New places and snow like sands, races, camping and celestial bodies. Walking in pitch dark, becoming nocturnal and observing the stars, becoming time travelers.

Oh the grandness of so many things happening all at once. The gladness it fills me with. I still do count my blessings, which are many. He is one of them.

Someday I shall look back at this year with wonderment and amusement.... Perhaps even I shall shake my head at the folly of my soul for the torment it has experienced. However I do believe that I am growing from this experience.

I am grieving about something that is gone, which I am powerless to change. I am also healing, because while knowledge may sadden me, it also allows me to heal.

Oh, how good does it feel to be mending again. To be living again. To be whole, and fully present. Slowly and slowly I shall be me again. It is a good feeling to know I have support. Thank you, my dearest.

Everyone thinks their love is great. Why not? We are all living, breathing worlds that almost have separate universes. We reserve the right to say so then, don't we?

"The real currency of true love is open - hearted transparency. Love keeps no secrets.
The ability to own your truth,desires, pain, fears, dreams, hopes and all. The desire to support the other ones no matter what it takes. Love allows you to be human. Then there is faith - that you are allowed to be less than perfect, to be you, in your changing - shifting form, an unwavering belief in something you find true, good & beautiful. Faith requires an unreasonable audacity. It is something you create in yourself, by yourself and hold on to bravely when doubts try to jolt you. True love is cultivated with intention, over patches of clover fields and sharp slopes of mountains, wherever you may be however, the view is beautiful. You are alive. So rejoice, for you are truly living and not just existing. You touch the divine. Full open hearted loving can be the hardest thing,but it is also the bravest - not everyone can do it. Shrinking back to mediocrity would be sad, more so when you don't have any evidence of resurrection and of a divine love again.
A grand love is for the brave."

 Sometimes, I do feel lonely. I feel like every one is too far away. As if only one person is too much of my world here. My friends rely on me for emotional support , but I have personally only really been open to very few people, and mostly it has been family / the one that I love. It is my insecurity talking ,when I feel scared. I haven't missed him so much ever before,the need to run to him has never been greater. even when I was over seas - because in the time of turmoil, when I am with him, I am most secure. Calm and collected.But good judgment and discipline will prevail.

I will be my own again , though. I will be with him because I want to and not because I need to.

He is like a calm harbor, over hung by fruit trees. Where I may anchor and jump off in the water, with him and be safe. He will provide shadow and sustenance. In his wisdom, like ripe fruit. Like a serene river, he soothes me. Even when he annoys me, he makes me laugh. I remember the time when he held my hand through out two long snorkeling swims on Rottnest, introducing me to the wonderful world underwater. When I gasped and panicked as I saw the sparkling sand wayyyyyy under, and realized my feet had no chance of touching there if I suddenly forgot how to swim.  He pulled me up and calmed me. Every single time I did that. Held my hand all the time, magic at its best. Also When he put me behind him, securing me, shielding me with his body from jelly fish stings.When he came to me to check my snorkels before each of my swims with the dolphins, removing my hair from under it, strapping it, keeping a close eye on me even while he took pictures. Always my rock. He has no affected manners, he wins by his honesty and his good heart. His caring. He is my champion, each time he opens my door, cleans my seat, cooks for me or pays me a compliment with his eyes or words. His words are very special. He wins my heart again. But he wins me most when he lets me in, trusts me implicitly and opens up his heart when I need to see it. I value the trust more than even my own comfort or feelings. He is a brave boy but he calls me brave. I am probably just less frightened about some things.

We once got lost on our tramps, it was frustrating, it was infuriating and saddening to know that we might not reach our final destination after so much planning and a whole day of driving, but, in the nick of time, we did. Like many travelers will testify is wont to happen if you really wish for something. Those trips are always the most magical. Last it happened with the valley of flowers for me, and then it did with the Pinnacles. We however, kept it together , and didn't get annoyed. We were rewarded by the most magical evening in one of the most unique landscapes in the world.

Then we went climbing. A journey that was pretty challenging and we saw again how we support one another when the going gets tough. How we can rely on each other. How insightful a mountain can be, how revealing and how challenging. The rewards are great and the springs taste of paradise.

When he complained to his little niece, about her stealing his kisses from me, That melted my heart to glowing golden liquid of pure, golden joy.

Feeling grateful to have your loved one is the key to lasting enchantment with each other. Always focus on the kindness, the selfless support and encouragement. Ask for what you need, but do not blame.Be gentle, do the one extra bit.  Do not keep secrets. Be giving. Try to not hold back, but communicate if you are fearful. Understand each others pain and views. Understand how each others brains work.This will stay when the bodies grow frail - love will stay, it will grow. If you allow it to, if you don't expect it to just work, but you make it work , not as a chore, but because you get to ! not many do! Not many have that love, that much truth and generosity and kindness for each other.

It is true that we influence each other more than we realize, do your best to inspire the things you want.

And talk, always talk, no matter how crazy it may sound.
Remember - you get to, not that you have to.

Sometimes, when you plunge in the darkest ,deepest waters, you find the pearls. The stars shine the brightest on the darkest of nights. One understands so many new things and grows. We learn that all our love talk is not made of fluff, but is diamond solid inside. Hearts open up and grow more closer and confident, trusting.Not shying away from our past. Thus we find that we are , after all, indeed extraordinary.

This one was written before the strawberry dress and never published. So I thought while I am at it, I might as well. (written around Feb 20 -16)

<3 <3 <3 <3

He will be,
worth the wait.
Because, aren't you?

Love blossoms, when you think the other one is awesome.

Love, how can it be practical. How can it be the usual or the mediocre, everything else in life is ....

love makes the world go around, well technically its the gravity. The dent in the carpet of the universe. Maybe, its the pull of the love between the celestial bodies, the pull of the lovers. There is an attraction between everything, even the universes are rushing around trying to collide! Why, if all is not love - what is it?
Love is that everyday thing that remains special. It stays constant.

I used to dream of having a poem weaving lover, one who would weave off words to me ,for me, on his each breath. I seem to be doing it myself. Each thing that I used to dream of, I make it happen. I do them myself. I am my own lover, to rely on others may not always happen. Each time one has to remind them , a little fairy dies in my heart. But one waits, and keeps waiting. For that letter than hasn't come yet, but which might someday, for those special endearments, because I would really appreciate it. One waits, and expects , because one does the same.

"What is to dream, if not to hope, and what is to hope, if not to expect." Miss Jane could gauge us hopeless romantics so very well.
 Poor Elinore, no wonder she almost died.

How you love is the most accurate portrayal of how you wish to be loved. Each time there is a slight tiff, I feel physically sick.

Finding out that someone is still not sure of you enough when you have put away all your inhibitions and disregarded all the whispers of caution to flagrantly declare yourself is an extremely bitter pill to swallow, one tries to be graceful with it.
Love, what a torturous thing it is.It teaches one so much patience.

An artist's life is essentially sorrowful, and joyful in that sorrow. There is an existential crisis happening in the minds of those that think - at all times. The finite time we all are given is a constantly remembered happenstance , but the vanity or need - whatever you may choose to call it makes them strive just as much. They are also the most joyous and celebratory - for why would you not celebrate such a beautiful life. An artist, a philosopher, a thinker or just a spiritual person can never be mindlessly sad - but they will have a lurking sorrow just behind their mindless joy of being alive.  ( - hah!! )

Every ending is simply a new beginning.
Nothing ends, nothing.
All is a beginning.
Welcome to the new now.

*New End note - True love heals, it doesn't flee at the first hurdle. It strives and tries, soothes and understands , is courageous and kind.  I now know how well I am loved. Thank you, O Universe for I am grateful.