representing different times and moods

Friday, April 3, 2015

Indescribable beauty of moments.

I was sitting in the university lab and working on the Ebola rapid response Hospital in Kenema, the only place with a specialized Lassa fever ward. I have formed a special affinity with that place thanks to the New Yorker's amazing correspondent Richard Preston,(  and that led me to the Viral Hemorrhagic Fever Consortium ( . Such inspiring people!

Working twice on studios which have a specific humanitarian and sustainability focus, I have newly discovered a new direction.

Anyhow, that all being the professional passion chatter, I was talking with mom and she told me to go home as I am unwell, why - what is the point of going home? She said you should rest. Agreed, I should, but what is there to go home for? No one awaits me, those who care about my being sick are thousands of miles away.(Though my room and my creating projects do exude a sublime kind of love to me.)At least, in University, there are people who have shared grievances, the minds working rapidly and to solve some problems of the world, and the university offered up a friend who came and gave me a hug.

The right work is always right, the right time and place will come and find me. I now know why people devote their lives to causes, it just is such a powerful thing, knowing that you can make a difference, if you tried. In this world of the west - only a single life style change has the potential to end so much suffering.

As an artist, as a person driven by the need to capture beauty,  sometimes I am overwhelmed by some looks of myself, like now while working on the computer, I see my reflection, in a repose, resting my arm and staring at the black window of the drawing - I am struck by the view and the need to capture it in the right way - and then I feel the helplessness, the inability to actually capture the right view by the virtue of being entirely unable to move - what a waste , I go on, that I am stuck in this body, limiting my ability to capture it. Here is no vanity, nor any pride, just a slight sense of loss and frustration.

How absolutely weird.
I wish I could paint.

Then, late at night, walking home to feed myself and to sleep, I came up on a clump of grass, perfect in its roundness, with the circular periphery made of high greens quivering in the night air. I stepped neatly in that circle, and looked up at the stars framing the moon , I could have been in the Savannah, in Africa , with lions rustling away slowly towards their prey. My heart expands and envelopes my mind, as I get transported just by mere imagination, I can even smell it.

I think a silent observer would really be intrigued as I walk down anywhere, night or day , as I am constantly in communication with the elements, things and seasons. I'd flop and frisk, look at things with dancing eyes or forlornly, bow down low and run, speak and sing- how can one not, in our world of absolute beauty. My walks are the tools of connection, of being inspired, and of healing when I miss people too much. Being me, I have had to learn exactly how to hug myself close and form a cocoon, doesn't always work - and the world always helps and shows me love. I don't make it easy on myself, I am a harsh task master, sometimes it is a lonely journey requiring courage, but then, we must remain true to a life with purpose. There is no more sure fire way to unhappiness,as you will hate yourself and those who love you if you don't remain true to yourself. But this of course doesn't mean that I am not there for them, in a way I am more with them than ever before- I believe I am much more open and connected to them after I have come away, I've seen their qualities that I hadn't noticed before, their faith and courage, and also how much they actually mean to me, how very important their being in my life is. Si, Distance does open up our eyes and we no longer have the luxury to take anyone for granted.

Loneliness leads to a deeper understanding of self. It has been a philosophical experience as much as a cultural and social one. I now understand what they mean that life is, in its essence, a walk alone.
Not that I would mind having my brother to show all the insects, or my dad to teach me about all those insects so that I can teach it to my brother.
And mom,so she can tell me about the pickle recipe or how the Kitchen is a chemistry lab. 
I am truly blessed to have the people that are in my life.

Going by the number of fascinating, lovely people I meet everyday - you'd think I would just be overrun with friendships and connections! :) That is a blessing too.

Another eternal truth, no matter how much you know someone,something, there is always something new to discover, be pleasantly surprised at, to celebrate. If two people grow together, I do not see how this new notion of "bored of them" works.

Last night, I was coming back from university, awaiting my bus and working out a fulfilling way of loving.

"I look at the stars, and the moon,
In their eternal love for me,
I do not feel alone.

I smile at the flowers,
Kissing them with dewy lips,
Only they relieve the hunger,
For yours."

Once, I was passing by the Art Gallery, the cultural precinct is such an interesting place, and overheard this from an older lady, "I don't know why you listen to me, I never would!"  :)

I dream of grand escapades and adventures, and indeed, they are AWESOME, I do value the everyday beauty of the dandelions, I do not understand how anyone can be bored - it is just an unwillingness to face up to the uncomfortable feelings generated within, I believe this generation is the most hidden one, they hide their qualities, the ability to be kind, loving, generous, they are afraid to love, they are afraid to show loss, or to grieve in public, to show all the natural emotions, but they are not afraid to be profane, to be rude or to hurt. 

We need to be more compassionate, to ourselves, first of all. Compassion doesn't make you weak, it makes you courageous enough to face up to the realities of what you are feeling. You are not bored, you are afraid to be alone, you are afraid of thinking, of feeling. The hiding behind screens and televisions discourages thoughtfulness, creating, and living. Though, not meant in the regimental sense, as there is always so much to learn.

"See it all, observe, its around you. Everywhere you go, find all the pleasure there is in this world and live it. Smile at every passer by and touch every leaf..... love is always in the air."

I believe I would like half an hour every night of just lying under the stars with my beloved.

We are meant to look at the stars, its in our genes and good for the heart.
 "How gladdening and ennobling it is to look up at the night sky,fringed with the dark silhouette of leafy trees, that in the scheme of life, that beauty is eternal."

Now, dear reader, get ready to form a picture in your head.
"The bus passing by. A young man of about 20 ,on a bicycle, framed by leafy trees. A cloudy afternoon with diffused lights and high wind. His features are very delicate, Noble yet frail, dark green lively eyes, accentuated by the same green of his jacket. Through the glass our eyes meet and I smile, wanting to convey my pleasure at the beauty of the human form."

I am sure this conjured up very different images for each one - I really wonder if pictured, what each would look like?

If I pass by something that pleases me, I tell it, for the world tells me the same and it pleases me to no end and I like to keep the circle going. Beauty is no one's property, nor is spirit, it comes and fades,though one hopes the spirit keeps.

Last night, I dreamt of being home, I dreamt of my mother,hugging me and cooking for me,I dreamt of helping her like usual in the kitchen, and my brother there, telling me of one of his escapades as I put my head on his lap. I was also writing this to someone special - telling him how amazing it felt to be taken care of, and to be there, and while writing, I was crying, then I woke up crying, mumbling something to my mother. My eyes slowly focused on the bird on my wall, sent by my friend in Canada to help make me make my room mine , and I realised I was no where near that sun drenched room opening up to tall trees and loud calls of birds. Oh the emptiness.

Recently, it must have been a rougher ride than I gave it credit for. I've grown to love toiling away, this must also have a rather obvious connection to the other students complaining about how their mother was always asking why they are late for dinner and how inconvenient it is to go home to eat (well! you have someone who cooks for you and wants you to come and eat! :P ) and my chat with a married lady yesterday, who is one of the students under my care and she is almost having a breakdown with the amount of work in her Bachelors first year and how she can't cope with Architecture and family. She has three kids, and architectural studies seem to require a full time relationship with it only :P I am not the wisest in that situation, but blocking off certain time zones usually helps, as well as asking for help. So while there are kids, there is a husband too - see! There,already a silver lining.

At least I get to feel empty, that gets me creating! It is like I feed on words when I write, I always seem to skip meals :P

Recently, a friend posted this image, and to end I shall put this out for anyone who wants to use it again (of course it isn't mine)
I'd say, why just a photographer? That is inadequate - it should be a video and you can always do a screen grab! :P

“The soul, fortunately, has an interpreter —often an unconscious but still a faithful interpreter—in the eye.” ~ Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre


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