representing different times and moods

Monday, March 9, 2015

Embittered hearts and the healing of the species.

Human kind needs to be healed.

It suffers from imagined problems as well as the very real ones, created mostly by the imagined ideas of misguided people in powerful positions.

It has never before been so clear to me that human kind has gone around and around and hurt its psyche so much that all I can feel is pity and sorrow for it. It is sad.

I am going to proceed on to feeling angelic!*

 Well, to be honest, I just want to keep writing sentimental poetry and not write about the social problems. Really, who cares.
I do. Which is the problem.

I can't do "impersonal" so well as the westerners. Gosh, can they do that !

Neil was going on about why it is important to be "unavailable, selfish and mysterious" to stay in a marriage, that if you left your better half hanging, always not quite fulfilling their need of your availability and affection, it will keep them hooked to you.
 I said, "So keep the relationship a unhappy, unhealthy one,

 As they say, you always have a choice, don't let bad experiences harden you so much that you miss out on living.
 I don't do venom ,or vindictiveness
 Too much energy that can be used for better pursuits.
 if I don't like something ,I say it. I get angry, I get sad. I don't get jealous or want revenge.

" connection and attraction are not mutually exclusive " I firmly believe this.

 I really don't understand today's generations sadistic views towards what they shall find in love, why presume what you don't even know. I just find that the more partners people change, the more dissatisfied they are,for they leave a little bit of themselves with them, and that is never back no matter how you move on. That is why today's relationships are so fragile. Everyone is also ready to "find someone better". People didn't complain so much ,they used to be happy ,in love and content with their love, they did all the things they wanted together. And also understood that sometimes, setting those we love free is the greatest expression of love. Love is not dependency, and when you rely on someone else to make you happy, you put too much on their shoulders, they might buckle under the weight. That being said, love is also doing things for each other without being asked, when you have to ask, this might breed resentment. When we do things just cause we know that will make the other ones happy, we make them pure and true. No one changes for anyone, and one shouldn't expect them to, but there is no bigger a proof of love, when they change ,slowly, from within, to better love you.

People seem to have forgotten that everyone is essentially different, yet it is worth making the effort for someone. They also seem to be so lost to the fact that love drives the world, and love is not "only" the romantic kind, (which is only a meagre 10% of all types of love). To me, most sacred is the love between friends, love that comes without expectations of any kind.

Questioning how I know if their sex lives were (of those old days) "oh so amazingly hot" is futile- as I don't. But most were more happier and truer.and more "together" (That's the kind of questions Neil does ask sometimes)

The truth can not be denied that the society was much more happier as a whole when there were less sexual partners involved.I am not advocating staying a virgin until you marry or something like that, nor am I religiously inclined - don't get me wrong.I am just stating facts as they appear. I am totally advocating waiting for the special connection, and for someone who truly is worthy of such intimacy. When we value what is happening and cherish it. 

 That a little bit of control or understanding before indulgence would do this society a world of good.
 Because, today it seems, the sacredness of that particular human contact is essentially lost.That is all. Keep it important.
(until here, it was written a while back, with some new edits - I am so horrible) 

Do we really want to live in a world where the idea of love is mocked, hearts are lonely and young ones become cynics before they hit puberty.

Connections of kindness if what we need, where we do things that have no reciprocation apart from spreading the feeling of having done something that we wanted to do because it felt good.

And - on that note, I will admit that there are many such things and doings that I encounter ,each day, everyday! SO the world is running well and true and I need not feel so bad after all! (and not let the cynics drive the ideas!)

I love to write letters, I wrote a letter to a family who extended their warm hospitality and love to us when we travelled to the desert of Kutchh some years back. The son of the house wrote to me on facebook with the photo of the letter after a few years, asking if it was me, and inviting us back whenever we might be able to go.

Pretty ,beautiful, old fashioned letters!

Just like the Lamas from the monasteries high up in my favourite mountains, kindness connects us all. (A Buddhist friend recently told me they shouldn't have been corresponding with me anyway , poor creatures - I was a breach of their vows, woops,sorry guys )

And after having said this all  - I have no clue what romantic love is supposed to feel like, and it frightens me to death. Each time when I think of it, I feel the charisma of the thought , the magic of the connection, the eternalness of it - and also the horrific notion of being tied down, of becoming complacent and comfortable,of loosing my aspirations.

I do not know how to balance it, how to not be so frightened. I, the one who loves the world, frightened of love? What kind of a twisted joke is that.

Maybe there is a start of an answer here , in this article that I found this morning. I always seem to find what I really need to read. (well I am no where NEAR those two questions mentioned there) She is right, some times, we asks too many questions. Maybe I am putting too much pressure on things and I need to live in the now, just in the now. Which is very hard for someone like me who is a thinker - but don't we always learn :)

So apparently, for the first time, mother is unable to understand or help, she is the one who questioned and shook me up, so I must dig around in the brains of the brilliants (no more brill than me ma ya hear!) to bolster my courage. Bloody hell, how can it feel so right and be so scary ( the element of having only grudging approval?) . Or is it just a fancy of my extravagant mind that always insists on over analysing.

Maybe I just need to go away on a trip :)

Maybe it is just the question of balancing my ego - the notion of "I" and another. With my people, they feel like an extension of me , or I feel like an extension of their existence. We are essentially not a different people, while yes we are different persons. Forging another such covalent bond might very naturally feel alien, like a foreign body entering the blood stream. The key is to give it time, to not rush things and trust in the universe.

But mostly, it is the question of not questioning the fear , it is there because it is natural, it is real. It is there because I care a lot. To understand that what we have been fed as a "general idea of romance" is a fad , real love takes work and time and it is frighting. I am probably not the only one who has questions, and it is ok to have them. Just like my attitude towards things outside of my comfort zone, what seems too complicated has something that makes it worth it. Rational awareness and being open to change, growth and uncertainty teaches us how to be our better selves. There are no maps in life. Firstly, I must relate well to what scares me, so that I can learn from it - after all, accepting this doesn't make me weak, it just makes me an artist who sees the alchemical properties of beautiful, wild things that roam free in the dark enchanted forests and know that each are there.      

Like Steinback said very wisely to his son, "Nothing good gets away." 

Understand that this is definitely not designed to push anyone away :) 


Now is the time to share what I wrote to my beloved-s on/ near V day. (one of the advantages of being that close to me , you get pearls of words :P )

Thank you Mr.stardust for your usual, enchanting words and flowers.But mostly for your continued love and being SO you that you always paint everything associated with you with the colour of childhood mischiefs and adventures. It is like living in our favourite books.As if the years haven't passed at all.

"My beautiful, it is raining, storming. I am in a bus, it has the air conditioning on, but it has that misty, rather cool yet fresh quality to it that I associate with the smell one gets under a freezing waterfall that runs over dark green leaves. It is slightly enchanting. It transports my soul there. How very mundane a thing though? Maybe even undesirable , when you consider that the machine must be not working properly. Then, the bus turns a corner, there is a shallow carpet of dry leaves, formed like maple. Every leaf is wet, apart from one, which still holds sunshine and summer on it, it hurls itself in the wind and swirls, like a happy maiden in her summer dress.

I look at it, and think of you , for you may see the poetry in it as I do. Wistful rainy evenings. Thank you for the grass flower in the book."

I encountered a change of dynamics with my aunt recently, which was imminent ,with her having found her other half :)
"I want to recapture the magic that we are, when we go out at night, hand in hand to explore.

We can be anywhere, and it becomes new york. "

I am sure it is still there, I am extremely excited about getting to dip in to this new equation.

And then, the most bare faced, sentiment strewn writing that makes me dewy eyed, that is for my brother. 

"My dear darling, you not only hold my heart, you permeate my soul.You are in my every pore. We rightly share the blood, for it is true that you are the child of my heart. Every rainy evening that passes without you, cries for the sorrow of not sharing the tinkling laughters that we would have shared together. Even the memories of our places in time, each marked by its breathtaking quality, wrench my heart so that even the enchantment of a rainy evening fades, almost, but not quite. For you reside fully, even in these memories, and our hearts are together, wherever we may physically be." 

you all lucky orchids!

"I like your nose, I like your eyes, but I like you the most."

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