kisses,interviews,failed attempts and so on

alright, i will admit that i tried- and failed - to write and finish this post. i got muddled up, tired, or disturbed during the process. but as i recall, it was more the case of someone calling me to do something or go somewhere while i was writing it- so i decided to add the previous attempts to this post as well as the new contribution.

attempt 1-

such a weird title, isn’t it? had to have it though..so many things have been happening. life has done some crazy somersaults and yet it's not all topsy turvy ,my feet are still firmly planted on the ground,yet, sometimes it does feel as if my head is in the clouds... i have been explosively happy and crushingly sad in the past month, and it's been wonderful, I have learnt so many new things, been to some new places, (but not for travelling/visiting) so where to start?

(after this i remembered that i still had to write about Diwali, and dropped this )

Attempt-2

flights of fancy.

What is this? Does my life have any significance in the larger scheme? I suppose It must, as the whole universe is connected to me in some way, which does sound rather odd. But technically, the earth revolves on its axis, and then more so around the sun, the whole solar system revolves around the far , far away center of our galaxy, while the milky way itself, keeps  going on & on dodging or colliding with the others and still making its way through the crowds of the space towards the outer fringes of our universe , while our universe too, also acting on the energy given off by the mighty big band is still expanding , may be to colloid /merge –do nothing with the supposed another universe. Soo….. where do I come in the picture?

That was written when I was feeling low, but an extensive talk of the usual things and silly nothings with two of my cousins revived me  enough to be prime, proper and positive again, all the main “P”s restored, I thank you. They picked me up from the bottom of the sea and put me back on dry sensible land. Usually I am sensible and in the event of emotional crises, I usually am the one that revives others, and (secretly-sometimes even to myself) envies those who can indulge in self pity and depression. I wouldn’t call this depression, just a case of low spirits. Oh yeah, they were in the basement, and I, on the verge of tears. 

These aimless rebelling signify the deep feeling of being useless, of having accomplished nothing of substance in the 21 years of my life, as well as fear. My childhood heart sometimes asks me, you aren’t a famous singer, an explorer, an acclaimed designer or artist, or a bestselling author – yet you had promised me that you will be all that as soon as you were 20. While now, my adult heart replies, -dear girl, it is okay , you are trying and you will soon be something, miracles will unfold in their own leisurely fashion, nothing great can be accomplished with rushed efforts, if it is something that can be rushed, it can only be of the minimal or normal quality-and till then, are you not happy? –I am , I am more happy than I can describe, even in my lowest low- I am happy, happy in the knowledge that I am loved. It stands to reason that – one can only feel so sorry about one’s self if they have someone to make them feel better! Right!  High dreams are all well and good- my main objective is to SEE places, to DO things, to EPRESS myself. To ATTAIN KNOWLEDGE, To THINK and APPLY whatever knowledge I have. To HELP- in whatever way I can. Not run after money or fame.  High dreams are all well and good, but they should not disturb your mental peace. After all is said and done- that is WHAT REALLY MATTERS , your mantle peace and satisfaction with the NORMAL LIFE.

Hah, I feel better after that lecture; now let me introduce the main reason for my feeling LOWWW…

I am afraid, quite frankly , scared out of my skin, literally, I mean it. I have decided to not to postpone the moment of calling ,and join the work from the 3^rd of January rather than , as I had thought before, from the 15^th of it. I have NOT IDEA what it will be like, I know what the work is, but not the professional side of it. I’ve been telling myself what about my brother’s exams? [starting from the 3^rd of January to 10^th of it] but hey , he CAN study by himself, and I can help him after I come back in the evening.

For all my claims to being excited about the work and all my false bravado – [well where is my bravery now? if it is around in the jungle and it is the GENUINE bravery, where in the world IS IT?] when I decided that I shall join from the 3^rd- no excuses my heart started to thump hard. :P  I stated to have doubts about everything in the world. Do I even KNOW designing? 

I took a calming break – I am horrible when I try to write in a low mood, as can be derived from the first paragraph. I told my cousin about it, and he said it’s alright, and we laughed about it, I know it is very silly of me. People have real problems to deal with and here I am going on about such a silly trivial thing.

Like,if I were a soldier and had to go in war, would I be of any use? I think would, I am sure I would be scared-TOTALLY,  but I do secretly know that whatever I might be saying about being afraid, I can handle anything that needs to be handled.

It usually helps when I think that even if I mess up and be kicked out of the office-life will still go on, the trees will still grow and the birds will still be singing every morn. Nature will never be angry with me. Neither will the people that I love and hold dear, they will continue to love me, even if I fail , in anything that I might be doing, they might be annoyed at me, disappointed in me, but never , never would I be without their love.

Amen to that.

But I have always found that I am mostly scared of things that I cannot help with, if something calls for immediate action – I can do it without hesitation, but being resigned and helpless about some situations does this to me. Whatever the level of worry might be, my reaction seems to be constant.

I  feel so good . my extra, bubbling energy has been spent in expressing myself so much, and I am pretty calm now. I could go to sleep.

Now, about November- 6^th November brought with its self the final exam of the 7^th semester. In all the excitement about the paper- I forgot a dear friend’s birthday, how horrid is that? Still I have the hope that I shall be forgiven. In my little cluster of good friends, I try and remember their special days.

Basically I am HORRID at remembering birthdays, just ask my one single friend from school- my best friend from school. She will testify that I ALWAYS forgot her birthday and then she had to TELL me it was her birthday. While- after becoming an adult I have mended my ways.  

Attempt-3

Every night, after dinner, i go out in to our small garden and smell the Raat Rani,or Lady of the Night, also called Queen of the Night (Cestrum nocturnum) but somehow i seem to prefer Lady than Queen. figure that. the aroma is heady and intoxicating. you could fancy yourself flying or at least swaying with that smell strong in your nose. it's THAT beautiful.

and here is today's work

 right, so let me drop all efforts at being artistic and get down to the plain describing of things. 

my exams finished on the 10th , and i was called for an interview on the 11th. [yeah Life's been BUSY!] actually, there was something that mom needed to do in Ahmedabad as well that day (all the interviews were in A'bad btw) my interview was at 11 pm ,so we decided i leave early and than she and brother will follow. dad was away on work. i reached on time-the place where i was supposed to reach-but followed the road shown by googlemaps - and ended up in the wrong place, i must say, it was not the fault of google maps, but of the business person who marked his business place wrong, still i lost a precious half hour in that as well as the fare.

well indeed the interview was a success. i didn't like the office as much though.they accepted me and i was out in half an hour.(of course, i had to apologise for being late the moment i entered- have to have implacable manners)

so i walked about while waiting for my mother, the wait was interesting, with me looking in shop windows , (and going in some too, asking for a rather rarely seen design -in only plain white top- that's bound to baffle them,oh i am bad. well,they weren't busy at that time of the day and if i did find something that would really appeal to me i would indeed buy it- like for this instance, i did from one place :) but that is VERY rare), walking around in the brown heels i also found an interesting path down the small lake which is surrounded by ornate iron fence,but i had to abandon it and get back on the busy road when i saw i was intruding on a privet walk of two love birds,the fence was covered with a new (to me) flower vain, and being me, i had to go examine the flowers and leaves,take samples for my collection and take photos, i took a photo,

so does any one what's the name of this?-see the focus and poor quality :P

and was about to pick one flower,when through the gap in the leaves i saw them Kissing- like REALLY kissing on the lips :D i know i am silly,but i was shocked and ran away without my sample. like i totally didn't intend to look at them like that or anything, so that's when i saw my first real life kiss~, then i proceeded to keep to the crowded places, i passes on a single road for more than 4 times and one security guard of one of the complexes there- who i had talked with to ask the location of a mall,i had some ideas of wandering in there if it was only walking distance,well it was not- kept smiling at me and got really curious and asked what i was doing,so i had to say i was waiting for some one. duh! so on my fifth trip to reach my mom on the other end i assured him that it was my last!meanwhile, i sat on a bench under a tree near a small clinic, helped a old gentleman cross the crazy road which even i am afraid to cross, watched some videos on my phone,bought a cap for my brother and then called my cousin...........

my other interviews were on the 16th, the first one the day was brilliant, the people there were far more friendly and easy going, the architect him self was nice too,he just asked me a few things , and told me about their on going projects, he actually told me that i am smart to my face :P he he. he's a rather young person, and wondered why i didn't have a boy friend, as it was quite unbelievable [yeah really, are you taking my job "Interview" ??] any how, he didn't look like he meant any harm,he said training was all about learning how to deal with clients, and make tenders, bills and so on, and not just office desk work.he said he treated his employees like friends and they all worked together as a team- and were very straight forward.asked me about what it was i thought that my work was lacking and i told him , he was impressed that i was so forthright.  he also told me about the projects that they were starting and told me to start thinking about how some things can be done- so yeah, they are going to hire me there as well.

after i went out from there , my mother called me and told me to call a number, a number of another firm where i had emailed - they also were asking for an interview so as i was already there in Ahmedabad and in interview mood, i went there as well, this architect had his studio in his home, he is a well know person, but may be in his late 60s ,  he accepted me as well , and i was pretty confused !!so much for keeping one's options open. this old architect's projects are very like VERYYYY interesting, for an example - resurrecting a burnt down palace :) now, at least there is some thing to be told about keeping one's options open. the other stuff that he has right now is banks,housing and such, he said that he would send me there- to the place where the palace is, though is in a rural area, and he hoped that i was not against having to travel, i will have to work not only at the office desk but with all the site visiting and tender making  , billing and handling clients - similar ..well well
while the first one has housing,offices,restaurants,colleges,schools,hospitals,

factories,high rises,urban planning,interiors... etc....dilemmas dilemmas :(

so indeed, i have decided, i will be joining the first one of the second interview day. from the 3rd of January. i will contact the other and say sorry i can't join you- and also ask if i can help with the palace project if he would like me to. 

on the 17th of December-i went to the harrier count as a volunteer with my mother :D to Velavadar national park. it was amazing, and not to mention COLD. we reached there midday on 17th, did the counting in the evening,and another in the early morning,and came back home on 18th eve. now , the thing is, i am running out of time right now,i need to get ready for the wedding i am attending today, and i just received a post which i must read before, and i am a horrible blog writer these days.

http://epaper.timesofindia.com/Repository/ml.asp?Ref=VE9JQS8yMDA5LzExLzEzI0FyMDA3MDA%3D

it was a brilliant count,i met so many new people but most importantly, i was introduced to these beautiful birds, i can totally differentiate them- there were also soooo many black buck, blue bulls and i am so sure in my heart that i saw a wolf in the misty cold morning, running through the grass towards a big herd of black bucks.the way it's back moved when it ran.. it was in the tall grass no doubt , a person -my team member on the count said it might be a wild boar, but i know what a wild boar looks like, and how it's back bones move when it run,this was surely not it,this was totally more predatory! there were two antelopes one female and one male who would let me touch them.

on how to count harriers-it's a big area but they would position two volunteers at certain distances,from where they could see the next team,and thus encircle the whole area. in the evening,the harriers start to come back to their roosting place, (which is usually just the half an hour time in the evening after sunset and even less than that in the morning before sunrise ) and you count how many pass between where you are and the next team. in the evening, they fly higher, than they would in the morning. in the morning they go out of the area very fast. there is the peak time too, like we had to almost panic in the last 15 minutes of counting in the evening and the first 15 of morning. [they go to the surrounding farm land for feeding] than we add up those in our area which decide to spend their day searching for pray in the national park it self, we counted 182 in the evening and 180 in the morning, our team remained the most accurate one with the near numbers.
it was so cold in the morning that my fingers froze and it hurt when i took photos or handled the tripod.

 

alright now, i shall wish you all a very happy new year 2011 and see you next year :)

 

and a kiss for you all

Diwali- in a sort of silly quirky way

Diwali was amazing,every one managed to get together for the important two days,but were together for three :D and i was in the Forest on the day of Diwali :) talk of that! [ we went in on the day before Diwali,half of us stayed the night-me,dad,mom,brother,and my little cousin sister, while every one else returned.we returned the day after in the afternoon][now that i am thinking how much there is to write- i am feeling quite daunted by the task]

i wish to describe at length,
the little sweet moments,
memorable things that happened,
and birds that chirped.

but it really isn't possible,
at this late date,
to recount all those times,
when we laughed and cried out in pain.

i wish to describe,
the first glimpse of those beloved faces after a long journey,
the laughing and talking and talking and talking,
entering the forest and noticing the thorn fruits,

getting down and trying them for the first time,

getting our car stuck in a ravine,

searching and picking those little thorns with the wrong end of the binoculars,
out of each others lips and tongues,
while trying to not to roll about laughing or flinch in pain,
the relief of the car being rescued ,
and the little temple surrounded by tall trees,
green grass,lots of water and bats.
such a heavenly place !!

the little buffalo who'd lost it's mother,

my brother's shooting skills like no other,
the travelling around,
and twirling and hopping,
being slapped on the face by the cruel thorn bush branch
the red of blood and the scar on my nose,
the splitting open of a lip
by a way ward knee,
all add up for a memorable spree.

happening up on a lion,
quite unexpected for both,

my initial panic,
at recognizing him as the one named terror.
throwing my self on dad and brother,
pulling my cousin down too together,
now if i remember that,
i do feel particularly silly.

terror,as later we discovered,
was injured and subdued ,
may be he had acquired some manners too.

After a while-we moved forward,
Only to see our selves torturing another,
Leo who was there, sitting in the way,
Who squeezed himself out, from the side of the frame.
He walked back than,ignoring us,
For all the world-as if to meet a new friend,
They set and played together,
To my utter delight,
So I had to get down,
And walk back to them with all my might.
Those gorgeous kings, became all that’s nice,
I went so near, cursing the dwindling light.
Still-it was delight enough, oh again, it was pleasure enough.

Then ensued some confusion- about people walking to the rest house,and lions following them,us shouting and trying to distract –while they remained absurdly on the same path, while the smart humans,reached the place, brought out the chairs and set near the way- the kings performed their royal walk, as if on a ramp. {like totally- why didn’t I walk back? I was greedy and stayed with the lions to take more photos :P}
Then came the dark of night,
With stars, laughs and dancing lights,
I chased a firefly with my sis, while brother aided in the chase.
And after some running around, I managed,
To capture the little glowing creature,
In the palm of my hand.
Just imagine my wonder,and our general delight,
It’s not every day-that you capture magic in the night.
Then slowly, with all consent- I opened my palm and it flew away.
When others departed for home,we settled in for the night,
Which was comfortable and not at all full of fright.
Morning brought with it, the warm sunrays,
Morning walks and new agendas- I also proceeded to bruise the whole of my back.
After all the glory marks of few hours in the forest, I returned home to claim the day.
Diwali was there- can’t do without wearing it anew,
Silk skirts and tops too…

Thus progressed the time- we said good bye,
While the tide of the river washed away my grand pa’s ashes
[the day between Diwali and new year]
I know he knows,he is in all our wishes.
New year downed-bold and beautiful,
The cheer,fun, love and laughter-spread as well as it could,
A sending off of troubles and welcoming of a chain.
Chain of good fortune, love and respect
Which shall extend, as long as we share all that we have,
all that's there..Good or bad..

i still missed out on many things,
the beach,new places and showy things.
but after all,what does it matter-
when i am running out of time,
while today chatters.

some free time

to be honest, i haven't had the luxury of "some free time" in a while. 
but right now......

i am WOW OW OW WOW WOW OW >>> that's the expression you use- sort of- when you are happy when some thing very hard to achieve, has been achieved.  or if you are a happy puppy.

all my submissions finished today, my final presentation of Studio drawings was today, and it all went very nicely. i also got around to give my professor a thank you card [made of two photos taken by me] for being so inspiring and supportive through out the semester, she is so nice, she liked it very much. so, now that my Yin and Yang fountain is at peace and the traditional motifs in stained glass no longer haunt my dreams, i can start paying more attention to my other hobbies. [still,not to forget , i am yet to make my curriculum vitae, as i have my training next semester- plus Diwali is almost upon us without my having done much on the "house cleaning" front!! so Soldiers ....... MARCH ] - but from tomorrow, not now, the crawling in the lofts, clearing dust off the fans and windows, and messing about with a duster on the hard work the spider has done can really wait..

i was just thinking, how amazing things really are in life.  they really are. 
hunger, it is amazing, when we analyse one thing  considering every aspect of it, we find that the subject it self inspires more than one complicated feeling.

so what does an apple have to do with sinful pleasure? [ yes, yes please, the shy ones CAN stop reading from here] :) i will tell you what.

when you haven't had the time to even 'look' at your lunch because of the work and running about at college, when every corner you turn reminds you of some thing to be done before the last day of the semester is over, and you stop your self from colliding with a professor while running some where for the hundredth time, you feel the deep exhaustion when you are at last in the bus, gearing up for your 120 km journey home, when you know what that all is , you will begin to understand my feelings towards an apple. [either that or you have to be lost in the desert of kutchh without water for half a day]

 not some ordinary apple either, i assure you! one big, Juicy , fleshy and fragrant one, with healthy, shiny skin, so lovely, that by just looking at it you start to imagine how slowly and deeply you will bite in to it, and how the sweet,cool juice will flow in to your mouth...
ugh yeah, positively sinful. but when you are hungry, a golden apple won;t score much.


well, to be prime and proper again, i was walking back home [after having changed two buses , of course] and was in a very very happy mood, apart from some feeling of weariness about my eyes and a slight idea of hunger in my stomach, i was walking, humming, skipping towards home. i saw a woman in beautiful cloths walking with a huge bag , bending over the side while she was walking, i offered to help her carry it [ usually i would have been too shy to offer, thinking it quite presumptuous, but from last week i have been noting an uncharacteristic boldness about my person :P he he or not] and predictably we started to talk, her wedding's next month.so all the shopping. 

any how i am straying from the subject.

the subject of the sultry apple.

 i was walking by a man with lots of apples, who was sitting under a shady tree. and no he did not offer me an apple like the "kind wicked witch"had done, i had to haggle over the prices, as is customary and quite annoying too.

but there was this one particular apple that kept on attracting my eye, it was too fat , and exceeded my 500 gram limit, but i just HAD to have that one, so i paid extra. 

with images of my first bite in the apple, i hurried back home, washed it, and was about to bite in to it, when i remembered, "if a particular fruit is able to inspire such strong emotions in me, i must document it" so i put it back and brought the camera out, it is true, i am the epitome of discipline and patience when i want to be :D  such a brilliant red, quite flawless. can rival any one's red Chevy any day of the week.

and now, the moment we all had been waiting for, the first bite, in slow motion , the first taste, slowly , slowly and then going faster, like a maddened vampire or a hungry lion , and ah,ecstasy... in it's literal meaning -"Excessive and overmastering joy or enthusiasm; rapture; enthusiastic delight."

oh well, after eating it half i cut it nicely and put it in the freeze for others and went back to my litchi juice, so much for that.


the other wonderful thing is- a bath, a proper hot and unhurried bath, in which you get to use all your soothing shampoos and fragrant body washes, it is worth working on only after you have dirtied your self, wearied your self and disgusted your self in respectful measures. then you actually start to appreciate the value of clean water and a good soap. [this just goes on to tell how i "hate" having to travel through the pollution of Ahmedabad- living in a big city is just not worth it]  i was coming out of such cleansing trip to wonderland, feeling all like a fluffed up kitten with smoothed down hackles [yepp, i have them and i can bite when angry :P :P now don;t be scared you insufferable pup- yes indeed i am in one of my "strange" moods, just ask some one who knows me, they'll say it's strange,but quite harmless] 

well, coming out, i thought i should be thankful, for the fragrant things , and clean ,warm water to get rid of them with, then i started thinking that technically i had to be thankful for the money my parents have, that's how those things are bought, even water has to be bought , in a way.  and then i thought - what is it that doesn;t have to be bought and still makes me thankful? 

remember- i am thankful for these things.

air- a mixture of Oxygen and nitrogen mostly, to be precise, is still free, as they have not put a tax on it yet.[yes that was SARCASM] 

weed flowers, weed in the farms where they have to have maximum crop for maximum benefit, not here , but i don't blame the farmers .

the love of our family members, that we so often take for granted and not appreciate it every day, nor the strength that comes from being there for each other, the knowledge that, no matter what our differences, we will always support each other when it came down to that.

the fruits off the trees i have planted on my land.

birds songs and chirping of insects - even the mating songs of frogs.

the old nondescript pen that some one gave me which still works when the fancy ones don't. 

friends that have time for me, for reading this and all the other none important jumbles of words that i create.  

"for a smile from a little stranger child, 
for the wagging tail of the faithful street dog,
for the little steps puppies take, dancing around your ankles.
for squirrels play on the branches , 
and the green grass under your feet. 
for the mysterious cute stranger you see in the street,
and the flowing white skirts around a lady;s feet.
for the fragrance of flowers in the air,
and of water,fresh earth and leaves too.
for the music that plays in to the night,
on strings of stars and drums of wood,
while the milky way hums it's way in to your heart, the stanzas of earth envelope the beautiful poem of life. "

that being the spontaneous poem of today- i conclude that there is a lot that "doesn't" have to be bought with money.


i feel quite decidedly "none-sleepy". 3 more of my photos are going to be displayed tonight in Warsaw. so will wait up for that.  i saw today , though only half , Disney's "the sword in the stone" ,,ah how i love the old disney cartoons. the Merlin in it does have shared characteristics with Dumbledore [Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore] of Harry Potter. 

i will conclude this for today, i am reading "Idle thoughts of an Idle fellow" by Jerome K.Jerome [ don't you see the reflection of that in this post :P ] very much like "much ado about nothing" - i haven't read it. i am only referring to the meaning of the title. i enjoyed the common wealth games very much , India came second so that's great. i am still searching for a white, or cream top that will get my attention to go with my new skirt [bought it 3 months back but have been saving it for Diwali] , the trouble is, nothing's getting my attention for the time being, too bad. well, i await my Diwali , and Diwali trip and celebrations and photos and getting together and dressing up and being silly and,.......

good night! 


p.s. fruits are nature's way of showing how naughty it can be. i am also awaiting the custard

the white duppatta

in the fast increasing night, i set behind my mother on the scooter, speeding on the roads of our usually dust free town. that evening, though, the air was having a dance party with the soil, and i had forgotten my glasses, so I  took my mom's chiffon duppatta from her shoulder and draped it around my head, around eyes and all. And through that single layer of chiffon, I saw the world passing by me in a different dimension, the head lights of the car and two wheelers became dilated blobs of light with different colored rays shooting out of it, competing with the stars in the galaxies,  they ran around me, dodged each other and danced, dunk with childish delight, I looked heavenwards, the rising moon, received the same treatment in a more graceful, mature sort of way, with the a gentler light which could sooth a broken heart, trees , the distant shadows , which became a rather strange hue of gray , with the city lights filtering through the gaps and giving inconsistent burst of colour. I am sure people stared at the strange apparition on the road, = me the rag head J.

a little problem.

hi every one,
i have been resisting the urge to open an account on blogger, as i used to write my usual blogs on Care2, but for some reason, the site is unable to post my recent blog, now that i find quite annoying after having worked hard on the writing of it. so here i am on here, and hoping it to be a wonderful experience too :)
greetings from India,
with a little magic and a dash of love

Diva.