representing different times and moods

Saturday, January 2, 2016

This year of adventures.

I said to my life, I want adventures.

This chant has haunted me all my life. Running through my blood which is probably too red. I dream in a horrifyingly rapid succession that can be somewhat exhausting. Like those who know me will tell you, my "I want to do something new" never runs dry.

Means not that I don't like a stoic and gentle life. I can meditate your pants off and keep the kitchen cleaner than your mom. (why am I writing like this?) But give my brain an unimaginative day and I will start feeling desperate. Its not how much you do in a day, but how much you use your brain, make something new, feel something new or express something deep (hypocrisy much? )Or meditate on the quality of light filtering through a window pane.. Sometimes so much that I make a running dash from those who I love, and start feeling the need to find something else. But I have always come back, as love is a bright, brilliant, warm flame, guiding me home. I need a home, an anchor.
Sometimes I think so much that I have to simply shut down. Breath, put on brakes like I have trained myself to and just look at the leaves. Then I feel like myself again.

If you are someone who doesn't belong in the 5 people that I talk to most in the world. This blog post is not going to make sense to you. Leave. Now. Save your time. 

Yesterday someone asked me what was the point of having a good imagination? I don't think there will be much left to me if it was taken away. I have started this year on a restless note - this sure promises to be a year of many happenings of interest and passionate doings. Sometimes I fear myself and how much I feel. I have two sides, one is extremely emotional, wild and intuitive. The other one is scientific, reasonable and collected/calm. They make a very colourful personality and I try and do justice to all and myselve/s but this can be very confusing too.

And surprises,  I love surprises. I like efforts. I love flowers, Bunches of them tied in a string. Wild or cultivated, But mostly wild. In my hair, on my dresses and in my hand. Twinkling lights, moon lit walks and fire flies. Unexpected letters and heart felt words - Relationships that never grow old. Silly gestures of romance brighten my memory lane like throbbing orbs of light. I like being taken care of by gallant gentlemen in my life and those that I meet who keep me feeling very ladylike - crazy but a lady nonetheless.

This blog post is going to be shamelessly about me, I care not to say anything about the world in this or of anyone else - unless they are related to me - its about me. Sit back and relax, as I ride out the waves of emotions flowing through my body, confusing and erupting me in to flames and cold sweat of dread. Indecision / confusion has never sat well with me. 

So - love. Its torturous. Why do we love. We love because its beautiful, It is the most beautiful of emotions, almost as good as hope and as bright as happiness but with these two combined with something more darker, more deeper. It doesn't complete us however, neither should it. Its not its purpose. Its purpose is to teach us about us. About the world and this universe, but mostly about us. What we learn from it is up to us and how we incorporate this in our personality is up to us too. I've become me through love. By loving the people that I do love and fully loving myself in all my quirkiness. I learn my limitations, my kindness and my pettiness, the things that I let go of, what irritates me more than that other thing ,things that are truly important to me and things that make me worry as I love more, as I love others. For all my claims at being a wild woman at heart, I worry for everyone and everything that I care for - not  sure how that is not my purpose however, as that is what the wild mothers do, too.

I miss Ireland even without ever having been there. Venice and Roma - the same. More than any of those however, I miss Africa, its swaying golden grass and lions that roar of the ancient secrets.

I want to learn to dance this year, something that suits my kind of red. I will write more, a lot more than what I did last year , a year that went by in a flash. A year in which I was blissfully happy so many times, A year in which I created so many breath taking moments, things that are special,very special. I am ever so grateful for 2015, but now I want more, so I shall create more. Sometimes, even  blissfully happy doesn't work. Sometimes life makes me restless and makes me want to pace, like a caged lioness. I have this almost inhuman need to be productive of something that will last ,even after I am gone. Its this annoying thing about wanting to live forever. I used to dream of it as a child. I say I want satisfaction and happiness - but well, for me they also look like world domination ;)  That is just a lame joke - I really care not to conquer by anything but love, but there is some truth in what I have implied. I need to be loved and appreciated, I like that lime light on me. I like to shine. That seems to be a core purpose of my life. To shine. I am fire, if I am not burning , it means I am dying.
Every creative soul feels too much. see the parallels.

Enough about my dreams and stuff. I am feeling rebellious and that is why I am writing. Much better be burning up with passions of a hundred colours than be complacent and bored.  I have this unbearable yearning for the girl that I was, with a breast full of tumultuous feelings , a heart brimming over with phrases that shout to be written down and remembered. I am a creature of nights when I am like this, and heady cool summer winds make me more crazy. My heart expands and there is pain, as I look at and feel the beauty of the world, its so beautiful it makes my heart hurt. There is this contained restless energy in me, how do I love back this awesome world that loves me so and gives me perfect, breezy , star studded nights. I want to run and let the breeze cool my skin which seems to radiate all the heat that my heart creates. I want to flow too, like water at times. But most of all, I want to wear beautiful dresses and look mysterious.

There is a reason why I am in a complete complaint mode lately. I figure things out as I write them. I haven't been creating - in a long while. I haven't made time to create.  To write for myself, make something with my hands and towards the life that I want to live. I do not respect you when I complain about what you like, you don't complain about what I like to do. When I judge other people, I am also judging myself. I look for the things in them that I want in myself. I can't wish for anyone to be me, what's the point in that. I also fear being wrong, completely terrified of the thought and almost ready to chicken out, The cowardly admission. I am Diva, I don't chicken out just because its more challenging, I face up to it, and I love the out of the comfort zone idea. I expect so much of myself and of you. We must pay attention to each other, no matter what. You risk so much more as you grow closer and more closer. It is here and it is scary. Why the hell am I - a person who loves so much, always so scared about love? Not the all encompassing love, but the pointed, exclusive and sacred love. Sharply in focus. I have to not let my self consume myself at times. This is the problem with the likes of us, we love too much and then feel scared at its potency. Must learn to be balanced, but the brain files a new passion along with all the other passions and makes it a driving force of life, as if your life depended on it. That is too much, says my rational side. Poor thing. 

Be warned, I am not always rational. No creative soul is. 

So, world, I come to you this year. Expecting to be more successful, more blessed and more magical. Let life glitter - I am greedy, I am driven. I want so much out of life. I am not writing considerately for the world today, but the world knows I will always have its best at heart. I can not help it , what I love - I must preserve and nurture.  Let me come closer to my goals, let my intentions be pure and my actions true. But most of all, let me be brave, let me be passionate and colourful, let me be wise and patient. But most of all, let me stay true to myself. Only then can I stay true to others. 

Truth be told, I am pretty satisfied with life, along with the little ups and downs, I actually am living a dream of mine. I always wanted to live alone in a country other than mine, where I had to start from scratch, maybe even with a cat, watching what I want, reading what I want and doing what I want. No other girl has had such freedom in my family before, you are never allowed to live alone in India or out of India. I don't know anyone with this description, actually. It took a lot of determination to have my way, always gently but solidly. I know I can. I know its always better to discuss and give and take, rather than be stubborn, there is no sense in it. I don't mind working, as long as I am feeling that I am working towards another dream, another aspiration. Work is a power that you constantly employ to live the kind of life that you want. I am greedy, yet I am thankful. I am in love.  I can do more. I can always do more. What a great and powerful possibility. There will always be a new place to visit, a new fruit to try and a new book to read and more love to give, A new dance to learn. Everyday will bring new surprises and people that will show you love.

Let me always be me.  What is precious is when you find someone who lets you be you.

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for Love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with Wildness!
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
 of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

We can love this world together.

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