representing different times and moods

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

My strawberry dress

Today, I donned my strawberry dress and ventured out of our tiny, precious little house. I have been a hermit for the last few days, and it was liberating to go on a walk.

Wearing a well loved dress has a power of its own. It gave me back all my good memories, humor and enchanting times that I have had wearing it. Life becomes brighter in those well loved clothes.

After a long time, as I walked, my brain was forming pros. It was not painfully sifting through visions and shadows which I couldn't stop and which in turn made me want to bash my head against something, HARD. My eyes constantly fighting tears. Not a day going past on which I'd be alone and hadn't shed a tear.

Today, (13 - 04 - 16) I was looking around , touching the flowers and kissing them, looking up inside the moving branches of trees, listening to their whispers. Saying hello to the birds. I was walking on the thin verge ,balancing and then jumping off and on, my skirts twitched and flared as my long, voluminous dress comforted me with its silk lining on my naked skin, with its reassuring weight on my slight frame. Men, on their evening runs, slowing down and acknowledging me. Two even stopping to say they had noticed I hadn't been around much. I've never needed to do more than be me and people are kind to me. I do not know when I have become the main character, but of course ,I am the heroin of my own story.  It feels good, To again be me.

For a while I was afraid I may have lost my magic.

In the past few months, so many have called me crazy. Yes of course I am crazy. But for one who has so idealized love her whole life for its power, truth and purity, this is maybe understandable . My own innocence drives me to bedlam. I expect it to do the impossible though - I have found the kind of love that can shift mountains, only if I would let it. 

I found my soul wishing for something really hard, something that was not in my hands , something I couldn't control or change. This feeling intensified as my own feelings of worthlessness and insecurity increased and then part of me started living in the past, the past became the present for me, it still is the present in some parts. It has a pulsating life of its own and we are trying to make peace.

Why? Why? Why? Why didn't you wait? My soul cried out in pain every waking moment. Why not me? Why those? How those? How? How? How do I erase those? How do I know I am really better then them? Am I? Why won't someone say so? Why can't I have more validation and re assurance ? Why can't I know about it? Why hide anything from me? Why? Why?

Knowing the senselessness and meaninglessness of my thoughts didn't stop them.I called myself many bad names, attributed things to myself which I in all honesty , didn't do. I pulled myself even lower because I was behaving less than perfectly in my own eyes.

I had indeed plunged in to one of the darkest times in my life. Where even thoughts of death seemed to occur at times in my supposedly "ever bright" brain. I have emerged slightly with a lot of self talk but mostly , with great help from the people that love me, unconditionally. Almost.

I will be brave.
Because I can't pretend that the past didn't happen,
I can't ignore.
So I must take the harder path,
and come to terms with things.

I don't like secrets. They act like thorns in my sides. I can't ignore something that I know I don't know. I tried burying my thoughts under work, movies and stories - and thus the thoughts came to me in my dreams. They became nightmares, pushing me to acknowledge and either keep dreaming up stories or find out the truth. I found the truth was much more bearable than the ghosts playing in my imagination. Yes admittedly, there are some more fringe questions that might need answering, but I am much at peace.

I do understand how my consciousness works. I am lucky to have a lover who has chosen to support me, in probably my worst patch. So much that I hardly recognize some of my behavioral patterns. I don't like the food that I cook, I don't feel hungry. I don't want to bubble over with news and excitement to my friends. He has stood by me strong and true. I've tried to not make it hard on him -   However, this also says something about our love and how we have developed admirably. So that makes me happy indeed.

I've put myself under strict rules of behavior , and each day that passes makes me I wish I hadn't. Its hard ,extremely hard to not talk about things when I've cultivated my whole personality around honest and clear communication. I can not wait to finish this disciplinary actions that I have taken on myself ( Did it because I want to be fair, to give him some breathing space. I know he needs it and to check myself - if it is wanton curiosity, there is no need to entertain it) New questions pop up to torture me, and nightmares still haunt me. Admittedly, the intensity and frequency has decreased, and my little experiment has had a considerable and laudable success. The amount of questions popping up has decreased too. Once one knows everything, logically, there should be no more to ask. Either that, or one would have talked about something so much that there would be no more to ask about it. I am aiming for that peaceful exit one day! I am not one who can ignore something that is hard, I have to do the hard first.

Glad, so very glad, for the success! For the relief!

There is still a presence that taints my every unwary moment, and in my sleep , stalks me. It is dark and it taunts me. There are still secrets and some questions,, Because things still don't make sense or add up and make me imagine. I awaken and it is there, laughing in my face. Spiteful and contemptuous. Early ,dark lonely hours of the last two mornings are the ones that made me regret making my promise but then as the day rises I feel better, I actively be better. I will be true. I know I can do it. Meanwhile I sincerely hope they will go without requiring answers and I am going to give it my honest, full force go. We shall see. If not, we shall fix it too. We can. I know.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! same goes for love. Every battle you have to fight together brings you closer, teaches you the intricacies of anther's brain. As long as you choose to fight on the same side, together. Nothing will be able to beat that combined force of love. Make sure you're on the same side and not against each other. Ever.

Even arguments against each other should be resolved from the same side, together.

This has brought us more close, if that was possible. It has. I may hurt, but I can see that plain fact. I kind of suspect this year is also a test year, I remember saying this at the start of the year, my gut told me that we shall learn a lot this year and if we manage to pass it together, comforting, supporting and loving each other, we would have passed the ultimate test set us by the universe. We would know, without a single doubt, but I for one already do know. Without a doubt. 

I shall also be kind to myself. No more name calling. I am a good hearted person. I am a kind, gentle, happy and empathetic person who , for once in her life, needs the same back. I love fully and without reservations. I hide nothing. One who has a vivid imagination and a pure soul which is rather naive. That's all.

Who said love is static? It simply grows , as you keep being fascinated, how delightful that there will always be something new to do, and learn.

"Half Knowledge is deadly, it does so much damage, (whereas full knowledge is liberating, saddening or not) as it leaves so much room for imagination, and an active imagination can kill one too."

Read the last post from January. I knew something was coming. I knew about this year. I can not say I was prepared. Nothing would have prepared me for this much sorrow.

Do you ever wonder at the heightened hues of flowers as the light rapidly dissipates at dusk? What makes them glow fiery reds and mystical violets , and blues of the most resplendent hues? They know the magic of the night is coming, and they are ready to dance in their best finery. Nights are my friends. Dreams are my vehicles of enchantment. I will get back my peace er' nights. I shall again learn to sleep peacefully when on my own. To like my food and bubble over with excitement for life. I shall once again fall asleep with an all knowing, playful, innocent smile on my lips as the sweet perfume of the fragile night flowers floats around me, and sweet dreams will keep me company in my peaceful slumber. This shall happen again. I know it shall.

Whatever discomfort this year brings, it also brings revelations. It is requiring us to strip down to our souls and bare all of our hearts. Maybe it is because this is a year of miracles, it has seen quite a few miracles already actually. Even when I plunge so in misery, I believe it has a reason.

So many intimate moments. So many grand adventures. Trips, tramps and first experiences. So many true words of love. My mother. This country. My man. His family.

My graduation, Dolphins, Snorkeling, seals, Kangaroos, Meals, meeting parents,camping, touring, traveling, having big big talks, all grown up for us little ones. And cats!! and Kids. And lots of walks, New places and snow like sands, races, camping and celestial bodies. Walking in pitch dark, becoming nocturnal and observing the stars, becoming time travelers.

Oh the grandness of so many things happening all at once. The gladness it fills me with. I still do count my blessings, which are many. He is one of them.

Someday I shall look back at this year with wonderment and amusement.... Perhaps even I shall shake my head at the folly of my soul for the torment it has experienced. However I do believe that I am growing from this experience.

I am grieving about something that is gone, which I am powerless to change. I am also healing, because while knowledge may sadden me, it also allows me to heal.

Oh, how good does it feel to be mending again. To be living again. To be whole, and fully present. Slowly and slowly I shall be me again. It is a good feeling to know I have support. Thank you, my dearest.

Everyone thinks their love is great. Why not? We are all living, breathing worlds that almost have separate universes. We reserve the right to say so then, don't we?

"The real currency of true love is open - hearted transparency. Love keeps no secrets.
The ability to own your truth,desires, pain, fears, dreams, hopes and all. The desire to support the other ones no matter what it takes. Love allows you to be human. Then there is faith - that you are allowed to be less than perfect, to be you, in your changing - shifting form, an unwavering belief in something you find true, good & beautiful. Faith requires an unreasonable audacity. It is something you create in yourself, by yourself and hold on to bravely when doubts try to jolt you. True love is cultivated with intention, over patches of clover fields and sharp slopes of mountains, wherever you may be however, the view is beautiful. You are alive. So rejoice, for you are truly living and not just existing. You touch the divine. Full open hearted loving can be the hardest thing,but it is also the bravest - not everyone can do it. Shrinking back to mediocrity would be sad, more so when you don't have any evidence of resurrection and of a divine love again.
A grand love is for the brave."

 Sometimes, I do feel lonely. I feel like every one is too far away. As if only one person is too much of my world here. My friends rely on me for emotional support , but I have personally only really been open to very few people, and mostly it has been family / the one that I love. It is my insecurity talking ,when I feel scared. I haven't missed him so much ever before,the need to run to him has never been greater. even when I was over seas - because in the time of turmoil, when I am with him, I am most secure. Calm and collected.But good judgment and discipline will prevail.

I will be my own again , though. I will be with him because I want to and not because I need to.

He is like a calm harbor, over hung by fruit trees. Where I may anchor and jump off in the water, with him and be safe. He will provide shadow and sustenance. In his wisdom, like ripe fruit. Like a serene river, he soothes me. Even when he annoys me, he makes me laugh. I remember the time when he held my hand through out two long snorkeling swims on Rottnest, introducing me to the wonderful world underwater. When I gasped and panicked as I saw the sparkling sand wayyyyyy under, and realized my feet had no chance of touching there if I suddenly forgot how to swim.  He pulled me up and calmed me. Every single time I did that. Held my hand all the time, magic at its best. Also When he put me behind him, securing me, shielding me with his body from jelly fish stings.When he came to me to check my snorkels before each of my swims with the dolphins, removing my hair from under it, strapping it, keeping a close eye on me even while he took pictures. Always my rock. He has no affected manners, he wins by his honesty and his good heart. His caring. He is my champion, each time he opens my door, cleans my seat, cooks for me or pays me a compliment with his eyes or words. His words are very special. He wins my heart again. But he wins me most when he lets me in, trusts me implicitly and opens up his heart when I need to see it. I value the trust more than even my own comfort or feelings. He is a brave boy but he calls me brave. I am probably just less frightened about some things.

We once got lost on our tramps, it was frustrating, it was infuriating and saddening to know that we might not reach our final destination after so much planning and a whole day of driving, but, in the nick of time, we did. Like many travelers will testify is wont to happen if you really wish for something. Those trips are always the most magical. Last it happened with the valley of flowers for me, and then it did with the Pinnacles. We however, kept it together , and didn't get annoyed. We were rewarded by the most magical evening in one of the most unique landscapes in the world.

Then we went climbing. A journey that was pretty challenging and we saw again how we support one another when the going gets tough. How we can rely on each other. How insightful a mountain can be, how revealing and how challenging. The rewards are great and the springs taste of paradise.

When he complained to his little niece, about her stealing his kisses from me, That melted my heart to glowing golden liquid of pure, golden joy.

Feeling grateful to have your loved one is the key to lasting enchantment with each other. Always focus on the kindness, the selfless support and encouragement. Ask for what you need, but do not blame.Be gentle, do the one extra bit.  Do not keep secrets. Be giving. Try to not hold back, but communicate if you are fearful. Understand each others pain and views. Understand how each others brains work.This will stay when the bodies grow frail - love will stay, it will grow. If you allow it to, if you don't expect it to just work, but you make it work , not as a chore, but because you get to ! not many do! Not many have that love, that much truth and generosity and kindness for each other.

It is true that we influence each other more than we realize, do your best to inspire the things you want.

And talk, always talk, no matter how crazy it may sound.
Remember - you get to, not that you have to.

Sometimes, when you plunge in the darkest ,deepest waters, you find the pearls. The stars shine the brightest on the darkest of nights. One understands so many new things and grows. We learn that all our love talk is not made of fluff, but is diamond solid inside. Hearts open up and grow more closer and confident, trusting.Not shying away from our past. Thus we find that we are , after all, indeed extraordinary.

This one was written before the strawberry dress and never published. So I thought while I am at it, I might as well. (written around Feb 20 -16)

<3 <3 <3 <3

He will be,
worth the wait.
Because, aren't you?

Love blossoms, when you think the other one is awesome.

Love, how can it be practical. How can it be the usual or the mediocre, everything else in life is ....

love makes the world go around, well technically its the gravity. The dent in the carpet of the universe. Maybe, its the pull of the love between the celestial bodies, the pull of the lovers. There is an attraction between everything, even the universes are rushing around trying to collide! Why, if all is not love - what is it?
Love is that everyday thing that remains special. It stays constant.

I used to dream of having a poem weaving lover, one who would weave off words to me ,for me, on his each breath. I seem to be doing it myself. Each thing that I used to dream of, I make it happen. I do them myself. I am my own lover, to rely on others may not always happen. Each time one has to remind them , a little fairy dies in my heart. But one waits, and keeps waiting. For that letter than hasn't come yet, but which might someday, for those special endearments, because I would really appreciate it. One waits, and expects , because one does the same.

"What is to dream, if not to hope, and what is to hope, if not to expect." Miss Jane could gauge us hopeless romantics so very well.
 Poor Elinore, no wonder she almost died.

How you love is the most accurate portrayal of how you wish to be loved. Each time there is a slight tiff, I feel physically sick.

Finding out that someone is still not sure of you enough when you have put away all your inhibitions and disregarded all the whispers of caution to flagrantly declare yourself is an extremely bitter pill to swallow, one tries to be graceful with it.
Love, what a torturous thing it is.It teaches one so much patience.

An artist's life is essentially sorrowful, and joyful in that sorrow. There is an existential crisis happening in the minds of those that think - at all times. The finite time we all are given is a constantly remembered happenstance , but the vanity or need - whatever you may choose to call it makes them strive just as much. They are also the most joyous and celebratory - for why would you not celebrate such a beautiful life. An artist, a philosopher, a thinker or just a spiritual person can never be mindlessly sad - but they will have a lurking sorrow just behind their mindless joy of being alive.  ( - hah!! )

Every ending is simply a new beginning.
Nothing ends, nothing.
All is a beginning.
Welcome to the new now.

*New End note - True love heals, it doesn't flee at the first hurdle. It strives and tries, soothes and understands , is courageous and kind.  I now know how well I am loved. Thank you, O Universe for I am grateful.

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