representing different times and moods

Thursday, December 30, 2010

kisses,interviews,failed attempts and so on

alright, i will admit that i tried- and failed - to write and finish this post. i got muddled up, tired, or disturbed during the process. but as i recall, it was more the case of someone calling me to do something or go somewhere while i was writing it- so i decided to add the previous attempts to this post as well as the new contribution.
attempt 1-
such a weird title, isn’t it? had to have it many things have been happening. life has done some crazy somersaults and yet it's not all topsy turvy ,my feet are still firmly planted on the ground,yet, sometimes it does feel as if my head is in the clouds... i have been explosively happy and crushingly sad in the past month, and it's been wonderful, I have learnt so many new things, been to some new places, (but not for travelling/visiting) so where to start?
(after this i remembered that i still had to write about Diwali, and dropped this )


flights of fancy.

What is this? Does my life have any significance in the larger scheme? I suppose It must, as the whole universe is connected to me in some way, which does sound rather odd. But technically, the earth revolves on its axis, and then more so around the sun, the whole solar system revolves around the far , far away center of our galaxy, while the milky way itself, keeps  going on & on dodging or colliding with the others and still making its way through the crowds of the space towards the outer fringes of our universe , while our universe too, also acting on the energy given off by the mighty big band is still expanding , may be to colloid /merge –do nothing with the supposed another universe. Soo….. where do I come in the picture?

That was written when I was feeling low, but an extensive talk of the usual things and silly nothings with two of my cousins revived me  enough to be prime, proper and positive again, all the main “P”s restored, I thank you. They picked me up from the bottom of the sea and put me back on dry sensible land. Usually I am sensible and in the event of emotional crises, I usually am the one that revives others, and (secretly-sometimes even to myself) envies those who can indulge in self pity and depression. I wouldn’t call this depression, just a case of low spirits. Oh yeah, they were in the basement, and I, on the verge of tears. 

These aimless rebelling signify the deep feeling of being useless, of having accomplished nothing of substance in the 21 years of my life, as well as fear. My childhood heart sometimes asks me, you aren’t a famous singer, an explorer, an acclaimed designer or artist, or a bestselling author – yet you had promised me that you will be all that as soon as you were 20. While now, my adult heart replies, -dear girl, it is okay , you are trying and you will soon be something, miracles will unfold in their own leisurely fashion, nothing great can be accomplished with rushed efforts, if it is something that can be rushed, it can only be of the minimal or normal quality-and till then, are you not happy? –I am , I am more happy than I can describe, even in my lowest low- I am happy, happy in the knowledge that I am loved. It stands to reason that – one can only feel so sorry about one’s self if they have someone to make them feel better! Right!  High dreams are all well and good- my main objective is to SEE places, to DO things, to EPRESS myself. To ATTAIN KNOWLEDGE, To THINK and APPLY whatever knowledge I have. To HELP- in whatever way I can. Not run after money or fame.  High dreams are all well and good, but they should not disturb your mental peace. After all is said and done- that is WHAT REALLY MATTERS , your mantle peace and satisfaction with the NORMAL LIFE.
Hah, I feel better after that lecture; now let me introduce the main reason for my feeling LOWWW…
I am afraid, quite frankly , scared out of my skin, literally, I mean it. I have decided to not to postpone the moment of calling ,and join the work from the 3rd of January rather than , as I had thought before, from the 15th of it. I have NOT IDEA what it will be like, I know what the work is, but not the professional side of it. I’ve been telling myself what about my brother’s exams? [starting from the 3rd of January to 10th of it] but hey , he CAN study by himself, and I can help him after I come back in the evening.
For all my claims to being excited about the work and all my false bravado – [well where is my bravery now? if it is around in the jungle and it is the GENUINE bravery, where in the world IS IT?] when I decided that I shall join from the 3rd- no excuses my heart started to thump hard. :P  I stated to have doubts about everything in the world. Do I even KNOW designing? 
I took a calming break – I am horrible when I try to write in a low mood, as can be derived from the first paragraph. I told my cousin about it, and he said it’s alright, and we laughed about it, I know it is very silly of me. People have real problems to deal with and here I am going on about such a silly trivial thing.
Like,if I were a soldier and had to go in war, would I be of any use? I think would, I am sure I would be scared-TOTALLY,  but I do secretly know that whatever I might be saying about being afraid, I can handle anything that needs to be handled.
It usually helps when I think that even if I mess up and be kicked out of the office-life will still go on, the trees will still grow and the birds will still be singing every morn. Nature will never be angry with me. Neither will the people that I love and hold dear, they will continue to love me, even if I fail , in anything that I might be doing, they might be annoyed at me, disappointed in me, but never , never would I be without their love.
Amen to that.
But I have always found that I am mostly scared of things that I cannot help with, if something calls for immediate action – I can do it without hesitation, but being resigned and helpless about some situations does this to me. Whatever the level of worry might be, my reaction seems to be constant.

I  feel so good . my extra, bubbling energy has been spent in expressing myself so much, and I am pretty calm now. I could go to sleep.
Now, about November- 6th November brought with its self the final exam of the 7th semester. In all the excitement about the paper- I forgot a dear friend’s birthday, how horrid is that? Still I have the hope that I shall be forgiven. In my little cluster of good friends, I try and remember their special days.
Basically I am HORRID at remembering birthdays, just ask my one single friend from school- my best friend from school. She will testify that I ALWAYS forgot her birthday and then she had to TELL me it was her birthday. While- after becoming an adult I have mended my ways.  
Every night, after dinner, i go out in to our small garden and smell the Raat Rani,or Lady of the Night, also called Queen of the Night (Cestrum nocturnum) but somehow i seem to prefer Lady than Queen. figure that. the aroma is heady and intoxicating. you could fancy yourself flying or at least swaying with that smell strong in your nose. it's THAT beautiful.

and here is today's work
 right, so let me drop all efforts at being artistic and get down to the plain describing of things. 
my exams finished on the 10th , and i was called for an interview on the 11th. [yeah Life's been BUSY!] actually, there was something that mom needed to do in Ahmedabad as well that day (all the interviews were in A'bad btw) my interview was at 11 pm ,so we decided i leave early and than she and brother will follow. dad was away on work. i reached on time-the place where i was supposed to reach-but followed the road shown by googlemaps - and ended up in the wrong place, i must say, it was not the fault of google maps, but of the business person who marked his business place wrong, still i lost a precious half hour in that as well as the fare.
well indeed the interview was a success. i didn't like the office as much though.they accepted me and i was out in half an hour.(of course, i had to apologise for being late the moment i entered- have to have implacable manners)

so i walked about while waiting for my mother, the wait was interesting, with me looking in shop windows , (and going in some too, asking for a rather rarely seen design -in only plain white top- that's bound to baffle them,oh i am bad. well,they weren't busy at that time of the day and if i did find something that would really appeal to me i would indeed buy it- like for this instance, i did from one place :) but that is VERY rare), walking around in the brown heels i also found an interesting path down the small lake which is surrounded by ornate iron fence,but i had to abandon it and get back on the busy road when i saw i was intruding on a privet walk of two love birds,the fence was covered with a new (to me) flower vain, and being me, i had to go examine the flowers and leaves,take samples for my collection and take photos, i took a photo,
so does any one what's the name of this?-see the focus and poor quality :P

and was about to pick one flower,when through the gap in the leaves i saw them Kissing- like REALLY kissing on the lips :D i know i am silly,but i was shocked and ran away without my sample. like i totally didn't intend to look at them like that or anything, so that's when i saw my first real life kiss~, then i proceeded to keep to the crowded places, i passes on a single road for more than 4 times and one security guard of one of the complexes there- who i had talked with to ask the location of a mall,i had some ideas of wandering in there if it was only walking distance,well it was not- kept smiling at me and got really curious and asked what i was doing,so i had to say i was waiting for some one. duh! so on my fifth trip to reach my mom on the other end i assured him that it was my last!meanwhile, i sat on a bench under a tree near a small clinic, helped a old gentleman cross the crazy road which even i am afraid to cross, watched some videos on my phone,bought a cap for my brother and then called my cousin...........
my other interviews were on the 16th, the first one the day was brilliant, the people there were far more friendly and easy going, the architect him self was nice too,he just asked me a few things , and told me about their on going projects, he actually told me that i am smart to my face :P he he. he's a rather young person, and wondered why i didn't have a boy friend, as it was quite unbelievable [yeah really, are you taking my job "Interview" ??] any how, he didn't look like he meant any harm,he said training was all about learning how to deal with clients, and make tenders, bills and so on, and not just office desk work.he said he treated his employees like friends and they all worked together as a team- and were very straight forward.asked me about what it was i thought that my work was lacking and i told him , he was impressed that i was so forthright.  he also told me about the projects that they were starting and told me to start thinking about how some things can be done- so yeah, they are going to hire me there as well.

after i went out from there , my mother called me and told me to call a number, a number of another firm where i had emailed - they also were asking for an interview so as i was already there in Ahmedabad and in interview mood, i went there as well, this architect had his studio in his home, he is a well know person, but may be in his late 60s ,  he accepted me as well , and i was pretty confused !!so much for keeping one's options open. this old architect's projects are very like VERYYYY interesting, for an example - resurrecting a burnt down palace :) now, at least there is some thing to be told about keeping one's options open. the other stuff that he has right now is banks,housing and such, he said that he would send me there- to the place where the palace is, though is in a rural area, and he hoped that i was not against having to travel, i will have to work not only at the office desk but with all the site visiting and tender making  , billing and handling clients - similar ..well well
while the first one has housing,offices,restaurants,colleges,schools,hospitals,
factories,high rises,urban planning,interiors... etc....dilemmas dilemmas :(

so indeed, i have decided, i will be joining the first one of the second interview day. from the 3rd of January. i will contact the other and say sorry i can't join you- and also ask if i can help with the palace project if he would like me to. 

on the 17th of December-i went to the harrier count as a volunteer with my mother :D to Velavadar national park. it was amazing, and not to mention COLD. we reached there midday on 17th, did the counting in the evening,and another in the early morning,and came back home on 18th eve. now , the thing is, i am running out of time right now,i need to get ready for the wedding i am attending today, and i just received a post which i must read before, and i am a horrible blog writer these days.

it was a brilliant count,i met so many new people but most importantly, i was introduced to these beautiful birds, i can totally differentiate them- there were also soooo many black buck, blue bulls and i am so sure in my heart that i saw a wolf in the misty cold morning, running through the grass towards a big herd of black bucks.the way it's back moved when it ran.. it was in the tall grass no doubt , a person -my team member on the count said it might be a wild boar, but i know what a wild boar looks like, and how it's back bones move when it run,this was surely not it,this was totally more predatory! there were two antelopes one female and one male who would let me touch them.

on how to count harriers-it's a big area but they would position two volunteers at certain distances,from where they could see the next team,and thus encircle the whole area. in the evening,the harriers start to come back to their roosting place, (which is usually just the half an hour time in the evening after sunset and even less than that in the morning before sunrise ) and you count how many pass between where you are and the next team. in the evening, they fly higher, than they would in the morning. in the morning they go out of the area very fast. there is the peak time too, like we had to almost panic in the last 15 minutes of counting in the evening and the first 15 of morning. [they go to the surrounding farm land for feeding] than we add up those in our area which decide to spend their day searching for pray in the national park it self, we counted 182 in the evening and 180 in the morning, our team remained the most accurate one with the near numbers.
it was so cold in the morning that my fingers froze and it hurt when i took photos or handled the tripod.

alright now, i shall wish you all a very happy new year 2011 and see you next year :)
and a kiss for you all


  1. Ask to themselves very questions in this age it's normal. Doubts, fears, to know what do in our life. It's a spiral without end but we can respond to all these uncertainties just living and you done the same thing :)
    it's right to ask an advise to friends and family but then you must listen your heart and live your life like an adventure, not a dam "square". I'm happy that you are responding to life "fighting". Instead about the suffering to can't help everybody, also in this case I feel your same sentiment. It's hard to accept but we can do only what in our possibility. Helping, Diva, you are doing the right way and in the same time (TRUST ME) you help yourself. If there is already suffering in this world is because everybody doesn't help. I want to finish this comment saying you that you are a beautiful person if you feel this noble sentiments. I embrace you with great love and I wish you very fortune for your future. Happy new year :)

    PS: About that crazy man that he asked you if you have a boyfriend... can you say me who are that I kill him :D

  2. thank you for the kind comment Gio :) thank you for reading all that blabber , i don't really know how i finished it. it was one of the most distracted writings i have ever done.
    you are right- life is about making choices and fighting if need be, for one's self and others.we have to be courageous and hopeful :)
    thank you, and a very happy new year to you too~
    p.s lol don't ha ha , that's crazy man is my future boss and i'd rather he be alive and working thank you for the sentiments though ;)