representing different times and moods

Saturday, February 25, 2012

emotions and feely stuff.

ughhh...where is that cigarette smoke smell coming from? it is a windy day. (20th feb 2012)
(18th and 19th feb)
Driving along a long lonely stretch of road, you see a small bus shade; written on it is “build from the fund of rural development by world bank”. You look at the landscape, yellow, golden and brown. It makes you think, how far reaching the things in this world are? How utterly wonderful. You are somewhere in the rural India and still you have a link, to a place which is a conjunction of the world’s customs and it’s people- you are somehow connected, without any phone or connection, still you are connected to the global consciousness. Do you know that feeling? The feeling of being very small against something very very vast and awesome, something so breathtakingly amazing that, though you have always known it, but it always takes your fancy? Do you know that feeling? It is the same one that you get when you look at the sunrise in the mountains, or the blue ocean, or when you look at the milky way – you know that don’t you?

India= the land of the colourful people.
India= the land of the beautiful people.
You’d know if you visited!

The deserted stretch of road has again became populated, and maddeningly so , as it is apt to do anywhere in the world at times, than you get out again of that town, there is a small bridge, a lone man is walking , a red cloth trimmed with silver is tied on his head,he holds a pole in his hand, orange, red ,yellow and blue flags trimmed with gold are waving gloriously on it in 4 small triangles ,a small backpack almost invisible on his back. You understand with a glance at him that he is a Hindu pilgrim, walking towards his holy destination.

On the same road, you keep on going, and you see a man, with a dark green turban, black cloths almost touching the ground, falling around him like a huge clock. In his hand there is a pole too, from which a green rectangular flag, matching the turban, is fluttering lustily, the wind is moving the long black beard to- here the small sling bag is almost invisible. Here again, you understand with a glance that he is a Muslim pilgrim going towards his holy destination.

a road trip, or any trip for that matter, is always interesting and full of things to observe,question, ponder and store in your memory.
(22nd feb)
This recent trip to Abu, was rather like a little story of disappointed expectations. not that it was not beautiful there. it was like unfulfilled love- in that sweet torturous way. it tantalised and evoked the memories of their taller cousins, though of course Arravallie mountain range is so ancient, compared to the newly formed Himalayas, I remember calling it "an unfulfilled reminder of the Himalayas" when we drove down from there. the bird watching was tolerably diverse but not so much so as it is in summers, we'd have fared batter if I had insisted on following my instinct of going to  the Gujarat wetlands.regrets? no, I steadfastly refuse to have any! ever!

though, there was a lot to learn from this trip too, and yes there was a pretty "interesting" incident.

I do sound like a constantly cheerful person, though, there are some factors, which, when combined, make me feel definitely in low spirits. Like right now, life has been rather confusing and out of control. When one is unsure of things, one starts assuming, and gives so much of time and energy in that futile exercise that, they give a lot less , creatively,to the world and self. it is not good for me, and can something that leads to this be good for me?

I wonder, oh I wonder a lot these days.

so I have decided, to not wonder any longer, after all, isn't it what good ,strong people should do when they are down? I am just going to assume that everything is going the way it is for the best, that all the intentions of this world are good. I am going to forgive, my self and others,unconditionally, and if need be, for the peace of my mind, I will forget too. Because, down is not where I like to be, and I choose not to be there.

I shall not wish or expect,I will love because I am happy when I give people hope. I am always too open, though, it is not my weakness or vulnerability, because that also means that I am prepared that people may make mistakes, just like I do.And because I am open, I shall always be grateful. this wonderful blessed life is going to be cherished, each moment.

so Bring 'em on,fate. I am alright- because I know you do it for a reason.
these thoughts only assail me when I am alone, of course, no time for all the sorry nonsense when with family,my brother or while working in college- working on homework at home is another thing.
but when it gets too much. I close the computer and go sit with my parrot. it is wonderful how the furry and feathery beings can absorb your mind's negative waves and return them sparkling like stars.they are like sponges.

let me leave ,dwelling on how sad I feel is certainly the recipe for attracting more of it. is it some human wickedness , though? because Mark Twain said (and something I also believe) that we all relish feeling sad and sorry, and our minds are deceptive little creepy things that enjoy weaving stories and extending pain in such a way, that it would give more grief. (now, there is only mild confusion and sadness in my case- do not make a big thing out of it)

I just remembered, that I never used to rely on people to feel happy.(apart from family, even so) as a child, a teen and an "almost" woman- I have always found that books are the most faithful companions, just because they are not humans them selves, but a condensation of human life and emotions.I found my self telling me today, that flowers do smile, and the trees are longing to talk to you from a while- they are my guardian angels, so I shall go today, after reacquainting my self with my other friend, the written word.

and sometimes I think that the internet is a terrible thing- that keeps us away too much from our daily world. I have made another resolve, to mend my ways. no opening computers at night, unless it is for education,home work or writing on my personal projects. I am going back to the basics, pen and paper. letters need to be written with more frequency and I should sketch and write more, and no more than one hour a day on facebook, that darned addiction.

(of course! I know I am human too,so I must, sometime or the other, Have annoyed and disappointed.)

My heart is warm with the friends I make,
And better friends I'll not be knowing,
Yet there isn't a train I wouldn't take,
No matter where it's going.

 be glad-

not something I consciously do, but it is a nice article.
(25th Feb)

so- the interesting episode in Abu was, that I fell, I fell in the whole glory of has been some time since I had done that one properly :)

let me describe it for you.
there are tent platforms near the camp site, some 30 cm high, and they are square, of 3X3 Mt or so.they were some 1.8 -2m apart.a perfect spot for long jumping, or so Vidur thought.for the record, He is almost 6' ,while I lug behind at 5'5" or 5'6'' (all those miserable tapes,if one would mark me 5'5'' the other is bound to mark 5'6'',so that I am no longer sure- which is of course odd for an architect-but it is just one of those things),and he is simply too sure of his jumping abilities, as he is pretty athletic(Tae kwon do every day-yeah right),which I can not exactly claim.I am just ok, but I can jump as well as he- I knew I couldn't do this one though,he thought otherwise and punctuated his protests with a few more demonstrations of his own jumping abilities, and he can pretty much persuade me to do mostly anything.I landed safely between the two platforms on my first go, being scared I hadn't even tried. so I got annoyed with my self for being a ninny, and proclaimed,"now, if this scares me,how ever am I to do the bungee jumping some time?" - thus motivated, I went back,took a small run and jumped and closed my eyes briefly, my toes touched the ground only 5 cm away from the edge of the other platform, I had almost made it, yey, I thought, but than my other foot continued on it's journey and we all got tangled and I fell and slid, knocking my toe on the edge- and reaching the other side on my side. woosh,went the air out of my lungs as I was thrown face down,after a horrified moment Vidur dragged me in a sitting position,I was gasping but couldn't breath or speak- he was laughing already and rubbing my back- a none too lady like word escaped my mouth as soon as breathing resumed, I just set there breathing and grunting and than laughing my self. my ribs hurt,I was bruised all over and my toe was beginning to bulge.

It hurt me to laugh for a few days,as even my stomach muscles protested as well as my sides.I didn't have time enough to visit the Bone doctor till yesterday, and it is sprained and the tissues need to be mended and he says the bone is hurt too, so I have a sort of plaster.(I went to him after 5 days of this happening).

meanwhile, I also went to college yesterday- they are going to do salsa for the archifest 2012.the whole class was dancing! I felt so happy seeing them all move together.May be I will put up a video in the future.

oh, did I say a well meaning squirrel held my thumb in it's hands and misguidedly thought it food and bit me? it did seem sorry when I screamed though.:) cute thing.

 this video is from that trip to the nature park.we had fun.
 (when I sleep on a grievance,It simply vanishes , or if I am tense, I go to sleep, it all become more brighter afterwards,does any one else feel this? Sleepy, always be )

while returning home tomorrow in the bus, a college junior friend told me their class's problem, our new principal (though, he is not only "their" problem) - has taken up calling them all cattle, goats and sheep in particular, and sometimes cows.
I couldn't stop laughing till I rolled on to her her seat -I know it is regrettable, but the way she said it was so funny, "he takes the first lecture,we are fresh out of the bus, where we've been sleeping, -you know our early timings- we don't even get time to wash our faces or get tea, so we just sit there pinching each other while he rants on about modular furniture and he usually finished with naming us one of the cattle, saying we don't have minds that work."

it is downright insulting, while we have not been called cattle, we have been called idiots and things which are similarly insulting, things like this at this level of education are highly regrettable, not to say that this makes us not bother about what they say, after all,who'll listen if you say such things everyday? and where is his dignity? it has come to a point where other professors have to go to him and ask him to not stop the things we are doing for the archi sooth down his ruffled feathers you know. he finds ample things to be annoyed with,with the help of the big screen on his office show all those cameras- in all the classrooms,corridors and library.

"Architecture Students don't have a social life,they are not supposed to meet any one or attend any social must be working hard enough to make your work presentable,even if you have to forgo your sleep and food, I don't believe you joined this course so that you can sleep at night? nights are for working,we don't have to tell you that after 5 years in architecture,do we? AND Architecture students DON'T fall ill."
right- that is some part of the lecture all we seniors received by our professor yesterday.I am still wondering how a person doesn't fall sick if that person is to follow his instructions?
any how, my jury went rather well. not that they said anything particularly nice,but I was able to reply them all of their odd questions stoutly, and that is enough for me.            
so- which is worse? the above written in blue was a while go. my FB post.
enough of all that, we have been given a farewell party , on this 28th!the cards are hand made and so beautiful, the forth year students are so nice :) while,the dress code is a sari, with a claim that it is the most elegant garment. I do have to get a decent blouse but it will surely be fun. I am going, hurt foot or not.
a few days back,my brother's little friend came in by bedroom,Vidur hot on his heels,where I was reading and said,"Diva didi, I have a surprise for you." well, you couldn't help but be interested than right? so I went, in his home, they made me close my eyes and walked me in their small bedroom, and there sat a smooth pigeon, looking at me. both the boys claimed that it wasn't a good bird as it always dropped faeces when some one picked it up,(this friend found it at his school)- though it didn't do so when I picked it up,which drove the kids to objecting and calling it mischievous and cunning, I just think the poor thing ran out of supplies. so they took another shot at it and positioned it on my head (if you have a younger brother you'd know)- Vidur took his time taking photos of us, but still nothing. lol
 I regret to say that the bird died the next day,though it had looked healthy enough to me when I checked, may be some inside injury or a disease? the kids say it had a heart-attack.
images time.
I love men that hug big cats.I'd love to be in his place too!

I believe.
sometimes it is ok not to act as we should.
a collage I made for my amazing girlfriends.
Chillian cherries,red pears,sweet Malaysian tamarind,black plums,figs,gooseberries- I love exotic fruits.Locals too.we had fun buying these,but some were SO expensive.

some one new is going to visit,probably,if all goes well.courtesy, my cousin brother-he gave me the news and I am already excited about that.more it is when it happens though.
26th Feb
to add- am also sick today,any I was talking with dad about the custom of hanging photos of deceased people in the house. take for example my great grandmother, well, of course we all knew her and miss her- but I would much rather that a photo of us all together,having fun or just happy, doing something nice, or a photo in which they are looking wonderful, of their youth or atleast good times should be hanged and not a photo of them stationary, sitting in a rather uncertain way,(usually the last photo of the person -while living -is chosen) and adorning it a garland made with paper and wood flowers. I want reform in the way people are remembered through their photographs, hanging them the way we do, is just silly, it is remembering only the bad times,because you instantly associate that photo with the time while you were in deep mourning.(and there are usually no other "family fun" photos in most of the Indian houses) that is not how it should be, I for one would rather that people remembered me in my best time, while I was happy and lively, never mind if old, but with love, surrounded by people that dote on, and no garlands for me thank you, I'd rather fresh flowers for a few days after I was gone to explore the other world, and just fond memories afterwards and the smiles that would undoubtedly blossom on the beloved people's lips as they would accidentally gaze on, on that one wonderful moment captured in time, hanging on their walls.
that is what I shall do too.
dad agreed, but It's going to talk a bit more of my talking to have it changed.
my Aunt gave me the family tree a while back for safekeeping, it is fun to trace back lines down to the year 1310,and back to me and brother and the little cousins. while the first male page is from sometime in the Vedic times (B.C), though one page is missing in between- rendering some years blank.
there is some mention, some where , that us-Kapols- are one of those Phoenician people that descended down here in Gujarat for trade, if it's trade -well than it is still in our jeans, after all- we are the great,big trading race which had powers to make or break a king :) I rather fancy being some how connected like this, in an ancient ,ancient way. who knows,may be this is the reason why I am so very much attracted to Italy.
 The maid is leaving us,and putting in her cousin in her stead, well, it is rather regrettable as we had become rather attached.Her girl is going to be a tailor and she will look after their cows full time now.I will miss us all working together and singing while doing so, such merry people they are. though, my landing the girl books will continue and so will our visiting when something new is cooked. they even understood my quirky ways! while I am not sure what to expect from the new lady, I am sure it will be fine.
ah.....I still had some things to say. I had better kept it till the next time though! this one has gone on long enough.
"How strange and wonderful is our home, our earth, with its swirling vaporous atmosphere, its flowing and frozen liquids, its trembling plants, its creeping, crawling, climbing creatures, the croaking things with wings that hang on rocks and soar through fog, the furry grass, the scaly seas. To see our world as a space traveler might see it, for the first time, through Venusian eyes or Martian antennae, how utterly rich and wild it would seem, how far beyond the power of the craziest, spaced-out, acid-headed imagination, even a god's, even God's, to conjure up from nothing.

Yet some among us have the nerve, the insolence, the brass, the gall to whine about the limitations of our earthbound fate and yearn for some more perfect world beyond the sky. We are none of us good enough for the sweet earth we have, and yet we dream of heaven."
- Edward Abbey
Appalachian Wilderness
(from Whiskey River)
this I read in today's paper- nice one and I think I can fully agree (and remember)

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