representing different times and moods

Sunday, March 3, 2013

my musings.

 I had my medical testing for visa yesterday, in saviour hospital Ahmedabad, I went alone, dad being at work, Mom an invalid after her operation and Vidur has his important 10th exams coming up from this 7th.(poor guy will have to say bye to me during these exams :( )

the tests there weren't exactly too hard to do, apart from the fact that the patient robes are shamefully thin, and I kept fretting about it falling open ,they were front closing with Velcro and knee high, and I turned instantly red the moment the old doctor entered, which made him say, "it is alright dear, I assure you I don't bite". which turned me even more red , and I think I giggle more than is mature.
who cares.

he did seem quite interested in my choice of study.

I have lots of things to say,and expect them in an unexpected order.

now I know how it must feel to be a mother, or atleast, how the mother of the toddler feels - I have to get up when ever my mom wakes me (usually twice during a night) to redress her wound, and I stay groggy and incoherent for a while.(once I woke and was pulling on the tight surgical gloves - I had fallen asleep worrying over a few things and I couldn't pull the glove on,because I couldn't find the last finger in it and I started crying, "mommy, I lost my finger,"(how glad I was of mom there) and then started giggling and tear shedding together, it was too funny even for me, I guess I was too worked up and sleepy and tired all together) not that I am complaining, just stating that the experience has taught me to appreciate the effort mom has put in to bring us up.

today was a day of little wonders, the kind of that keeps repeat it self over the centuries and makes people write wistful accounts of it.

so what stands out?
stepping "only" on fallen leaves as I walked on the side walk, and the resulting dance.

the warm sweet smell of sun dried wheat grains that I and the maid hauled down from the terrace this afternoon after leaving it to bake and cleanse it self in the new shiny hot sun. the smell it self is the manifestation of  an Indian summer.

I and dad went to the shoe seller to buy house slippers for me, We've been buying from the old man since forever,and as far as I can remember ,he has always been an old men, but now that I reflect on it, he must be something between 60 to 70 now. makes you think. he always gives me toffees after we've finished a purchase, and again did so today ,one for me and one for Vidur. that is such a sweet,old and anchoring thing.

there are particular people who know me here, have known me from childhood and continue treating me as one - that mechanic who used to give me those shiny bearing  balls when ever we visited his shop, and still continues to tease me about it, that sweet shop vendor who calls me by my pet name or the photographer who still thinks that I am to be treated as a young girl who doesn't know the importance of sitting straight. (and not to forget the banana seller who asks when ever he sees me out of doors - and if I've not bought from him that day - why I won't buy , but he is a new addition) and the annoying but persistent fenugreek, parsley and green garlic lady who is attraction of the winter seasons.

this is where I grew up, lots of nooks and roads talk to me in whispered stories of the past, down that tree fringed road be dewed with perfumed sweetness of young leaves and flowers, lies the tinkling laughter I produced while skipping and jumping and being flown between my parents ,holding their hands. the old forever lovable nature park,full of memorable picnics ,tramps and adventures with innumerable partners, the squirrels and fishes there , the noisy parrots, crows, monkey and peacocks.the morning walk roads from my home, purple hued in early mornings, the farmland beyond is just a memory though, which has been ruthlessly developed, and tells me, even If I weren't going away, the wheels of time will bring change here.

there are things that will change irrevocably while I am away, but there are things that will always stay the same. the wheat will always smell so beautifully after a baking in the sun, it smelled so in the days of Laura wilder and it will continue to do so as long as ladies of the house know how to store and refresh their yearly grain.

the house gecko on the wall assures me that it will definitely leave it's ancestors to greet me back.

it is spring coming around the corner here, and I will be leaving, this happens to be my favourite transition of the seasons here. where the dull greens of winter are replaced with vibrant,cheerful and blazing colours that strive to mimic out sun. all trees will break out in yellows,whites,reds,oranges and purples, sometimes they are hard to look at ,at noon. the air will be laced with smells and perfumes so heady that they might turn your head.the mangoes and lime and neem will break out with fragrant blossoms - and ah! the Indian day of love would have arrived. "Vasant Panchami" the 5th day of spring. spring is a dedicated time of love of course.

oh let me  tell you of my wondrous gifts
 1) a first valentine's day bouquet of 12 red roses with these lines from P&P- thank you sender. you are such a perfect friend.
2) Vidur and mom made me cheese filled "Bhackari" umm a sort of bread biscuit. loved it <3 thanks lovelies.

3) our maid gave me a parting+good luck and remember me gift of a beautiful and delicate bead necklace and earrings set. she is such a good was such a touching gesture.

4) my dearest aunt gave me some funky pink feather earrings and a tee with pink lilies on it.

5) mom and dad have been always giving me practically everything but mom bought a simply magical charm bracelet for me, how I adore it... and also some other surprise buys.

6) my one aunt sent me a box full of home made sweets (made of flour, butter and Jiggery ) to take with me, which Unfortunately, I won't  be able to because of the tight customs. some money from another uncle.

everyone's concern is so heartening. what ever happens, there are always those who love you.

and as for the elder's blessings, I wonder what my ancestors on both sides would have to say about this new adventure of a lady of their clan.

meet this grant gentleman - one my dad's side, this is his wall mural from the fort of Sihor - he was the first advisor and army commander to the king. well,I rather like getting a glimpse of my grand,grand,grandfather.

A pity no such peek in my mom's side of blue bloods remains (or does within my knowledge) but they were also pretty huge and big and had solid silver doors on their home stead. they also owned half a land of the current Ahmedabad (I might have heard an exaggerated version there) and were pretty careless with selling out with the government.

but then I am equally proud of my recent lines that go back to the Gandhi philosophy,teachings and life. the intellectual connections are far more recent,alive and throbbing still. well ,I am sure I am making those people proud.all those writers ,poets and thinkers that my dear daddy grew up with, they surely approve, even if daddy dee doesn't. he worries a lot.

this new life will be full of work,challenges and some initial poverty , I need to find some work and soon, the dollar difference is frightening.

well, read on for some older narratives.
(GOSH how I shall miss here - my brother and my books and kisses! I need kisses in a day :P will have no one to kiss me there )
I am sitting here,sipping Apple Juice, the world is calm and cool. we had spinach Packoras (bhajiya- guj) for dinner - which came straight from the garden, what I love the most about gardens is the feel you get when you are picking something edible, it some how feels much more personal.

the world might be calm and cool, but I have been far from calm and cool, inside, but even that doesn't have a huge hold, I might be daunted by the idea of the bank not working fast enough and having to wait a semester, to go and study in the University of Western Australia , that might alter my well laid plans and day dreams (!) for the coming year, but it essentially won't be a catastrophe, as it were. I will still be snugly snuggled within my little maidenly world of beauty,peace and love. this kind of confidence comes from the unshakable faith in everything that happens ,happens for the best, and the guaranteed love from people close to me - sometimes we underestimate this assurance of love, but really, that is exactly the thing, and the only thing, that keeps us going. it is also the most important thing in the world.

that is what we aspire to, too. isn't it? behind all the wishes of fame and fortune, the approval of others-ultimately, isn't that what we seek? some might say it is power they want, but power over? people, of course, and the ultimate power is to be able to inspire love and liking in others.

My parrot is constantly saying, "I am a sweet parrot" in Gujarati, just to remind me that I will be away from him to,when I go away.

December of 2012 came and went - too fast it seems now - and the world didn't end, this world is too beautiful to end in a day.

may be the apple juice wasn't such a good idea, my head is aching again,I have a cold and mom will fully disapprove.

My brother's friend ,our neighbour ,is now whistling to Kackoo , the parrot from his side of the compound wall.

today is a beautiful day, because it is a day of a beautiful blue sky laid over with wisps of white,ribbony clouds. they shade the earth partially, I love such days, they are beautiful and poetic.
have you noticed, how beautifully the shade takes over the patches of light, and they shimmer , intertwined in each other, a play of light, perfect in it's haphazard way. one moment the tips of the dark leaves of the flowering plant are shinning and reflecting the sun, and in the other, the flowers seem to long to touch the leaves with fondness, which are now in the rather happy shade of India.

my country might have not had the opportunity (and the will) to hold on to it's natural beauty in all places, but it is still amazingly lovely, as all land must be - lands unspoilt - the dusks are a poetry in shadows, starlight and moon light, my little corner of the world, is perfect in it's own way.

I have been making a list of the beautiful things that I shall miss,apart from the obvious things (and likewise, will make notes of the beautiful ,moving things - in WA) - it includes the tree tops which sway eternally just outside my window, miss world and her pups (no matter how silly she be), dad listening to old classics at night, my books and the library space, looking outside the big window on a fine or rainy day, our small garden, my desk, my collection of fossils and meteorites ...
it is futile .

it is like leaving your whole world behind, it is also like embarking on a new journey of adventure and yes, Hardships - but adventures never come without a tiny sprinkling of is a new chapter in Diva's life, and she knows it,said the narrator in the book of my life.

but , as I think of going away, this one scene pops up in front of my eyes, it has to be one of the most beautiful scenes of my life.

I see 4 horses , agile beasts with power radiating around them , running under the swirling shadows of Huge pines and deodars (the tree of Gods their big trunks draped with dark green moss), spraying snow around them as they ran, their noses sending up wisps of smoke made of condensed moisture, beautiful manes flying around their faces, white ,brown and black, with the white one in the centre, their thick tails swishing, and eyes seemingly, looking straight in to mine..
the beautiful Himalayas horses, that ran along our vehicle for a while as we travelled to Rohtang pass , high above Manali, latish in the year 2011. (a post about that can be found)

that was just a few moments, but it will keep replaying in my mind always, it is like the scene I keep remembering about my first glimpse of my baby brother, so tiny, like a new born kitten, my entering the room in a daze, my heart beating excitedly, a look at mom to see how she was and then even she melted in to the white background, my bending over a sleeping little face with crinkly skin, peeping over a bundled up body. then the face started to move a bit,and distort considerably, it wasn't a cry though, just a yawn, and the baby Vidur opened his feather like eye-leads, oh so excruciatingly slowly, for I was dying to know the colour of his eyes, and was calling my parents to LOOK!!two dark pupils filled up most of the eye space though :D they were so black that I first mistook them to be a dark blue or purple.

got to go and pick him up from school now.

My feet are in the bucket, soaking in the warm water so blissful for my tired feet. Well,It was high time that I got around my pedicure thingy.being a total none goer to the establishments connected to beauty and grooming, I have a hard time pulling out the relax time to do it myself. (that is,when I am not reading,or writing,or making something or playing or mending stuff - there is oh so much to do)
Well,you know, I could go to sleep right now, but my brother’s best friend is shouting just outside the window ,telling him to catch that stray cut kite which must be coming on the wind towards him.
It is Uttarayan today, the festival of kites and kite fights. I was up there the whole morning, but have not gone up after the chores, it being very important to get my feet some rest. They’ve suffered a lot lately, firstly, they are peeling because of the intense rock climbing I did in November , they took their time about it too, my hands are over peeling and are now normal.secondly , they both have suffered injuries in recent times and are painful, muscles are pulled because of running after a car with bags full of vegetables in hand, the area near my left knee is swollen ,purple , dark red and black, respectively. That being the heroic marks of that strong push I gave ,with my foot on the road and the knee pushing the scooter straight again, while I was bringing brother home from school and we were about to slip because of a stupid car driver pushing up off the road.I am glad we didn’t slip and fell, that would have been way worse. And the other foot is swollen because the washing machine tilted on it’s stand and fell on my right foot.
Quite a footy story eh??
Anyhow, thus I have fairly established that they need the rest.
Now,what has been happening? Yesterday We bought the huge bags for my uprooting, (that being the exact term that I associate with what’s going to happen when I leave here- that is what I feel) and suddenly, it all seems far more real than it did before. I am really going, and as I often say,I am going to so out of my comfort zone, that the universe must comprise to make things go well and for the good. I am embarking on that adventure that I always said I’d embark on (!) – and It would be wrong to say that I am not afraid , or not sorry to leave that beautiful place that I call home. They say the heart is where the home is, but what if my heart is all over the Earth, what then? Though,the biggest chunk just happens to be here, anchored on by my beloved people, magical spots and sights and the perfume of homeland. My going away doesn’t mean I love India any less,just that I must succumb to my need to do things in a way that would help me do all the wonderful adventures that I promised myself as a child, those are the promises that matter, the ones you made without any thought of monetary gain or any practicality. I have made such promises to my people, and that I will keep up too.
The problem is, now I bust in to tears as much as I used to burst in to laughter, I do burst in to laughter still , but sometimes I end up in tears when I started laughing initially. The thought that haunts me is, “enjoy this while you are with them, as much as you can, soak it up girl!”.  Hell, even when I shout at them (and I do) I tell myself, “you’ll just have to shout at yourself after a few months.” And that mellows me down in an instant (no easy feat).I am so hopeless at leaving behind those dear people that sometimes I do ask myself if it is worth all the fuss, the dreams I mean/ but they are! Of course!! And I shall have to say good day to you , O’ beloveds! I shall see you again soon.
I have a huge suspicion that I wouldn’t know how to enter the airport past the security saying goodbye to them, I might just have to ask the security guy to kindly bundle me inside, while I cry out rivers.
That is why I haven’t written much in recent times ,I’ve just been staying with Bro, the little guy should not have to make a do with me in his teens, I know that, but it can’t  be helped, he is the wisest one too, so I hope it will all be alright.No one understands me as he does. There I go again, the words are blurring, and the water is almost cold now, must get on with the feet, see ya soon.

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