representing different times and moods

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Compilation over a few months.

I have big eyes, now they are so clear and bright, brimming red. Lashes well defined with the mascara of moisture.

If only Captain Vidur was around, he would know what to do. He would never ask me why I was crying, because he would know - if not the trigger than at least the sorrow that built up to it. He would only hold me tight and let me wet the front of his t shirt up with all those slobbery things one does while crying quite non elegantly. (yeah - I am not a sniffer) He would wait it out. He would not say anything other than comforting nonsense and say yes to every outrageous claim that I may make (Do make quite a few). His bright philosophy would come only after I'd grown breathless and tired of my sobs and would be quite clear headed ,even if a bit dazed.

Oh my brother! I miss you. I miss my mom's comforting touch and my dad's wise diction. It seems life is not as important without those who you love near you, even with their annoying ways and opinions and constant irritations. It is life half lived that is lived alone.

Some can, but I can not live without my family. I am a rooted overgrown tree with branches that strive to expand and the roots that go down deeper and deeper. Maybe I should learn something from the Banian tree.

Counter intuitive , but true.
This has always been the problem.
Maybe ..... As I told my dad , I would like to live six months in India, and six anywhere else. Somehow make enough money to support this and have a farm.

The west is a great place to make money, it is safer , calmer, more appreciative, more polite and civilised (yes, in a way) and charming in its own way. (I stopped there and yes don't know what the thing was about)
Having cleaned the kitchen, I was about to retire for bed and someone knocks on the security screen, as I like to keep the door open. It is touching 11 PM and my heart jumps a little as I am alone in the house. ( I love it)

"oh! ok, must be for the one in the back"
I go out and guide the young Chinese  through. I come back in,I hear him go to the door and tentatively try to get it all done- in those moments, I feel very close and sympathetic to the delivery guy.  You may wonder why dear reader, I did because I heard the same kind of tentative nervousness in his voice that I feel. That feeling of loneliness one gets when one knows that there is not one here who would care or readily help - the tentativeness born of being unsure, born of distance and the aloneness.. I wish him luck and I also made sure I wished him good night. I felt close to him because while he might be from our rival country, he was still an international student like me, trying his best to do his work.All alone.  

These moments fraught with adventure and nervousness . Ah! I've had so many of them. They never lose their charm I suppose. But the one with "loneliness" mixed together in it are no fun.
When you invite someone, they should either accept or deny the invitation. Plainly ignoring it is the hight of insulting behaviour.
There is an old saying in our language, (Gujarati)

"Manma Paranvu ne Manma Randvu"

Which translates to, "Marrying in your own mind and widowing in your own mind"

I always agreed that it is a very wise saying. It is for when you can not be open about your feelings and are in a desperate pickle because of it! And in all probability, the other person doesn't even know about it.Such fun times eh sailor?

"A guy wouldn't inquire unless he intends to go!"
I told my tormented girl friend who was the glum- s because her new love interest hadn't written to her about their proposed outing , heck ,he hadn't written to her for 4 days.

That is torture to us women, mind you all guys!

She says I am becoming more British in my speech by the day, and she also said I am too open.
Well, at least I don't feel as stifled and helpless as her. I have never done stifled too well, I burst when I try to.

She gave me an insight, she said men (I will say people) are like ducks , if one goes near them too fast, they flap away squawking.I think we all have developed this fear of emotional "getting close" , while that very thing is what is the most precious, beautiful thing in the world.

And that shows how soon I can let go, over the years I have changed, changed so much. I used to think that I will never grow out my tempestuous temper, one that scared anyone and everyone in to silence. I have had to work on it, and I still flare up, but rationality has taken a new, healthy hold. I suppose it was the age too.  Being right is not as important any more. What goads me now, if anything , is when someone near my heart does something that will be harmful to them later on. Granted, I glint and sparkle in my anger, but it is a pure anger, not vicious or jealous. Envy has no place, awe does.I never did get the green monster's bite.

More than anything, I am sure of my love for myself and others, my heart has never been so open before.

Why am I going on about that anyway?

One day,I dreamt of flying,
High high, up in the air.

Not that I love not the Earth,
but for my heart feels snared.
It is a humming bird,
It loves its wings of gold. 
As the motions swell and flare.
They become, addictive.
But more than that,
my heart is an idea.
An idea precious and pure,
too vivid to be real,
too real to be false.

It worries and it twists,
for the path is unknown.
It questions and answers,
It yearns and shies away.
For I thought I knew it all,
But I do not, But I don't.
Ideas must change, sometimes.
Or evolve in to a new meaning.
But more importantly,
Ideas should be fearless.
Scared not in to complacence.
So I breath,I breath.

Sush,dear heart,
Hush now,my love.
You mustn't ask too much,
Nor be silently accepting,
For that is untrue.
Remain true, 
Remain you,
All else,
We shall see.

Someone very lovingly told me recently, when I said to him, "You know, everyone loves me"

"yes, I know, and if they don't , they should."

How do you contain such confidence in you in your little heart :)

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